THE O.B.E. MAIL BAG

This portion of the O.B.E is dedicated to those of you who are among the living. During the course of the year, feel free to e-mail the O.B.E. with thoughts, opinions, and general fun stuff. By the way, if this is your first time here, you may want to read this page from the bottom up!



KEN Y. ON DICK SCHAAP(12/31/01)

KEN Y.:
I think that ESPN made a tele-movie of his autobiography a short time ago. Sounds like a celebrity, smells like dead. You do the math.

ROBERT ON THE 2002 O.B.E.(12/30/01)

ROBERT Y.:
If you had room for more entries, I would have added Al Hirschfeld next. Leni Riefenstahl, despite being 99, seems to be doing fine ON HER SOUTH SEAS RETIREMENT IN THE SOUTH PACIFIC. Ironically, she was born BEFORE the author of "South Pacific" who died a few years ago.

THE GUYS:
Actually, that's not irony. But, why split hairs.

ROBERT TO THE CHEF.... (12/30/01)

ROBERT Y.:
OK, so I found something on the web about Mr. Peabody at http://www.io.com/~jgjones/tetley/

Let me remind Chef Devergue that I wasn't even born when the 1960's were happening--I'm 27 years old. Now, maybe I saw a rerun or two, but not very often, and not enough to remember. Sometimes I think 27 is old until I get comments like that. Of course, I grew up with Star Blazers. I'm sure there are kids today that don't have a clue what that is.

THE GUYS:
The line "I grew up on Star Blazers" should be enough to embarass you for years.

CHRIS D. ON FOSTER AND SCHAAP.... (12/27/01)

CHRIS D.:
Foster (hiccup) Brooks (hiccup) died? Didn't see that one (hiccup)! Is his liver going to be bronzed (hiccup)? And how come no posting yet on Dick Schaap?

THE GUYS:
No AP obit on Schapp! But we'll likely post before year end.



HOW MANY STALKERS DOES IT TAKE TO.... (12/15/01)

STACEY THE STALKER:
WHY IS THERE A YAKOV SMIRNOFF THEATER IN BRANSON MISSOURI?

THE GUYS:
Uh, to get to the other side?



NICE KANZ (12/12/01)

BUD KANZ:
I have read and understand all of the rules and regulations surrounding your pool, but I did have one question: To enter into the running (as a Death Watcher- NOT a decedent), must I complete the entry form you have provided or may I print my selections carefully and legibly on any other sheet stock of comparable quality and sensible size? Thank you for your time and consideration.

THE GUYS:
Yes, you may. But only cause we like you. For the record, no crayon, no construction paper. Dig?



ONE CHEFDEVERGUE IS MORE THAN ENOUGH (12/9/01)

CHEFDEVERGUE:
Here I am thinking that I hadn't sent you guys anything since Halloween, and then I see 2 letters with my nom de plume listed in the mail bag. One profanely ranting about Tad Szulc (again?) and a pet dick, and then one from some dense character who doesn't even know who Mr. Peabody is.

Who is this villain who is impersonating the Chef? I would have loved to have had a Way-Back Machine.
By the way, I think the monkeys probably would written the works of Judith Krantz and Sidney Sheldon first, and having found that to be much more profitable, would have stuck with that and never gotten around to Shakespeare.

Also, tell Tamara that the Chef thinks John Adams was endlessly entertaining, as cantankerous an old bastard (except maybe for his extraordinarly dour son) ever to occupy the White House. John was at least lucid until the end.

THE GUYS:
Oops: Those are typos. Man, we suck.

CHEFDEVERGUE:
That's one hell of a typo. I would have thought that "Marvin" and "Robert Young" would have been a little easier to spell. Robert Young really doesn't know who Mr. Peabody is? That is sad.

THE GUYS:
Actually it was more of an "htmlo" than a typo. It has to do with the manner in which we cut and paste to create new mail entries and how much beer we drink before we do it.

CHEFDEVERGUE:
So you are telling me that the more you drink, the more you think of me. That is truly frightening.

THE GUYS:
Uh, not quite.

CHEFDEVERGUE:
I am relieved to hear that.



CHRIS D. IS A WISE GUY (12/8/01)

CHRIS D.:
The rules for 2002? We don't need no stinking rules! By the way, under the new rules, would Steadman and that Tad Szulc character qualify this year? And if they would, then would Morguenolia qualify?

THE GUYS:
Yes, Yes, and probably not. And for the record, the rules don't smell all that bad.



WE WONDER IF TAMARA'S CUTE (11/6/01)

TAMARA:
Please tell Chef that 99 percent of the reason we went to some cool Boston was to connect with John Adams--he's our hero!!

He and John Quincy Adams were the only father/son presidents until Jeb's family did it.

Now, sweet ole Reagan is outliving him! Bummer! I like Reagan and wish him well, but I don't think America realizes what a great man our 2nd president was. There is an excellent old movie called-- 1776-- with a lot of insight about our founding fathers and John Adams was, well--he was just awsome! (William Daniels was,too!)

OBE--you guys rock, as always! You and all of us rational beings and are not responsible for any of the terrible things that have happened on our native soil; we OBE aficionados are only speculating on the natural order of life's events and predicting who the ole "Grim Reaper" might visit next. The 3 R's--Geez, I forget, but I know they involve rotting.

Am I too late to comile a list for 2002? Write back soon!

COMPILE C--O--M--P--I--L--E COMPILE. Happy holidays guys, and everyone else.

THE GUYS:
Adams, for whom a comprehensive biography was recently published, is said to have been a feisty SOB. In addition, there's that whole "brewer and patriot" thing. We like the brewer part. Or was that Sam Adams? Whatever. 1776 is not all that old a play/movie. We're quite familiar with it.

You have until December 31, 2001 to compile a list. You had better read the rules. Twice.

And Tamara, lay off the sauce sweetie, okay?

TAMARA:
Guys, thanks for the cute thing on the header. I really am still cute even though I' m a baby boomer. I'm going to get some friends together after Christmas and try to to put together a kick-butt list...I still miss Perry Como.



SOMEONE CALL THE POLICE, MARVIN'S HERE (11/6/01)

MARVIN:
So who the @#$% is Tad Szudlik, or whatever the @#$% his name is? Man, you need to legitimize the term "you are somebody" within the concept of the rules. My pet, Dick the dick who starred in countless self inspired movies of passion passes away. Do I score...NO. So, who the @#$% is Tad? You must rationalize and identify not only with yourself, but with us, your following, who the @#$% the unotables are. Which seems to be the case lately. There are many "who the @#$% are they" on people's list. I guess I can name the first four dickwads of any group and expect them to be counted. We all don't know all the suzies that are named. Educate us a bit, huh?

THE GUYS:
Man, two bottles of beer and a phone line and look what you get. As for your pet dick passsing away, that's what happens with old age. Try Viagra.

P.S. Tad Szulc ran a candy store down the block. Two packs of Pop Rocks for a quarter. If that don't make ya famous, what the hell does?



MAN THAT BOB YOUNG IS FULL OF HIMSELF (11/4/01)

ROBERT:
Speaking of "Monkeys Banging on Typewriters," (The statement is, "Given enough time, monkeys banging on typewriters could create all the works of Shakespeare") Richard Dawkins in The Blind Watchmaker calculated that the amount of time necessary for that to have an even chance of happening (add up all the digits in Shakespeare, and multiply that number X times itself X times) would be so great, the time the Universe has been known to have existed (13 billion years) would be statistically insignifant. Kind of blows the "chance" theory.

THE GUYS:
Yeah. Way to kill a joke Mr. Peabody.

ROBERT:
Who's Mr. Peabody?

THE GUYS:
Try looking it up. You'll find it related to a kid called Sherman. Let's see what you come up with.



THE MEDIA QUEEN'S AN OLD BAG (12/3/01)

EVE THE MEDIA QUEEN:
THE 20’S of EVE dies Saturday,December 15 (well, really the 20th, but this is the day she got the clubhouse). She was born in Jacksonville after her mother went into labor while watching another dry episode of Bonanza. She came here in 1973 and grew up wearing sea green polyester bellbottoms, selling homemade bird beaks made of construction paper door to door, and pitching exquisite temper tantrums when she was not relived with instant gratification. In her 20’s, Evangela lived on her own with various roommates including Norma (28, Bible thumper and ceramic bird lover), Aaron (22, bad boyfriend, womanizer), Cathy (24, musician, Florida weather hater), and Angela (26, complete psycho). At 27, she moved out on her own and took in a stray cat, Princess Moldy of Moodville, who dislikes everyone but Eve (although she has been known to inexplicably draw blood from Eve’s extremities). Eve’s 20’s have seen her hold many roles including (but not limited to); Door Whore of local goth club, insecure slutty-ass vixen, self centered drama queen, psycho ex-girlfriend, bossy meddling best friend, money hungry electronics salesgirl, self-righteous video store clerk, petulant poet, untamed minister, world famous rock star groupie, corporate Christmas party crasher, and moody unemployed Web developer. Some of her most notable accomplishments and hissy fits include; sending balding 22 year old boyfriend information on hair transplants, leaving mysterious suitcase filled with bitter writings in local airport, publicly reading poetry while dressed in pink Saran Wrap, making President of the University of South Florida cringe at college graduation, performing marriage ceremony and providing groom with lap dance, flirting with a CEO at Internet conference, wooing a rock star with a maxi pad and Sharpie at concert, hosting the First Annual Lady Lutz pageant, appearing on a never-aired talk show, and cracking jokes while being laid off from well-paying job as Application Engineer for travel-related company. Survivors include a brother, David and his family (Jule and daughter Eve); beloved boyfriend, Daryl; and her best friend, Brett. Please join Eve in a wake, formally sending off these formative, groundbreaking, scandalous years, Saturday, December 15th, at the XXXXX clubhouse at 6:30 PM. Black clothing, tears, and prepared speeches of your best memories of Eve’s 20’s are required. In lieu of gifts, please bring money and/or obscenely large flower arrangements. For more information and further directions, please call XXXXXXXXX

THE GUYS:
Unfortunately, the Guys at the O.B.E. could not make it to this funeral. However, we thought it would be appropriate to send our thoughts about Eve's twenties. Here they are. Please bow your heads and check if there's gum on your shoes.

Eve's twenties. They were tumultuous years. There were loud drunken screams at airports, gunfights, and at least one boyfriend who may have lacked a pulse. We think he was the undead actually. There was the making friends with strangers online. Most likely because they didn't actually know her. There was that incident with the 15 year old boy. But don't worry, we told the FBI that we didn't know a thing about it. PeeWee Gerlach, heh heh. Then there was the getting laid off. But hey, when that's the only laid you're getting you take it. Of course, running out of the bosses office screaming, "I'm getting laid, I'm getting laid" and then packing up her desk and walking out left coworkers baffled.

There was the history! The Gulf War, Monicagate, OJ Simpson. Man, we can't believe she did him! There was Nirvana and Brittany. There were the Back Street Boys. Man, we can't believe she did them. There were numerous baseball, football, and basketball teams who won championships at the professional, college, and high school levels. And no, she didn't do them all. But man did she try. There was even one little league team in '94, aw never mind.

Sure there was the poetry, but no one read that crap. And there were those personal home pages, but who reads that crap? Then Eve penned the first great American novel of the 21st century but, with those other two items under her belt, she couldn't get anyone to read that crap.

In short, Eve's twenties had only two good points and, as thirty hits, even they're getting a bit saggy. In the 1960's they told us not to trust anyone over thirty. If we were you guys we'd stop trusting Eve right now though. Lucky for us at the O.B.E., we didn't even trust her in her twenties. That's why we had all those hidden cameras installed in her house. Come to think of it, those were pretty useful for the videos we'll be selling online too.

In the end, like so many broads leaving their twenties, Eve has hit the wall. 30, single, and running low on D cells. There can't be too many good years ahead for old Evester. Nope, no job, past her prime, boyfriend's about to bail (crap, wonder if she knows that). Anyway, by this point in our eulogy, we're figuring Eve has probably strung herself up and kicked out the chair. Now would one of you kind folks please grab her purse and send it to:

The Guys at the O.B.E.
P.O. Box 343
Middlesex, New Jersey 08846


And don't forget to include your death picks for 2002 with that.

Peace Out Losers. Don't deny it, you're losers. Look whose party you're at!


THE GRAPES OF IRRATIONAL (12/1/01)

GRAPES:
The year is almost over and so far i am doing not so good in the standings, but i would not be the "always look on the bright side"-type-a girl if i did not hope for some earthquake to hit Hollywood CA, which will then take out Ronald, Carol, Hume, Eddie, and Dudley in one great sweep :) ...that is if Dudley is not in London of course (i need the points darnit).

THE GUYS:
You're not doing so good in your English class either.

Interestingly, both of us here at the O.B.E. are the "always look at the backside" types.

Earthquakes in California don't generally kill large numbers of Celebrities. Perhaps a wish for some bad salmon at Spago's would have been more appropriate.

As for Dudley, is that guy still around?

GRAPES:
yeah well, for only having lived in the US for 6 years, i am not doing to bad either... and yes Dudley is still amongst the living, the British are going all out with honors and titles for the guy..

THE GUYS:
Where'd ya live before that, Arkansas?

GRAPES:

Holland, how else would i know Princess Juliana is on her way out ?... well eventually btw: whats wrong with Arkansas?

THE GUYS:
Nothing, if you don't mind marrying in the family.

GRAPES:
And to think all these anti-death-watch people call us twisted,... hmmm



LANI DOESN'T WANT ANOTHER MCVEIGH (and neither do we!) (11/29/01)

LANI:
Regarding 2002 picks.... will guys like Osama bin Laden and Mullah Mohammed Omar be legitimate picks or will they somehow fall under the death by execution clause that made my pick of Timothy McVeigh null and void this year?

Just trying not to make the same mistake twice,

THE GUYS:
Hmmmm, let's look at the rules........

"No person who is killed by a scheduled execution: foreign, federal, or state, will count as a celebrity (this does not include assassination, overthrow, or coup d'etat)."
We think that says it all.


CASEY ON ISH (11/25/01)

CASEY:
I am looking for information on a character named Ishkabibble(guessing on spelling). My husband tells me that he was a comic character from the 1930's, but I haven't been able to find anything on the web. Can you help me in this matter? If so, I'd be greatly obliged.

THE GUYS:
Ish Kabibble was a cornetist who played with the Kay Kyser Band in the 1930s. He was known for his whacky haircut and his hijinks on stage with the band. Ish, whose real name was Merwyn Bogue, took the name Ish Kabibble from an old Yiddish song titled Isch Ga Bibble. Ish died in 1994 of respiratory failure. We've included a picture below as well as some links to informative web pages.



http://www.kaykyser.net/band.html
http://www.jazzprofessional.com/humour/ish.htm

Hope this helps. Never underestimate the importance of a space.


JESSE ON KESEY (11/25/01)

JESSE:
What about Ken Kesey? I don't know if he was on anyone's lists, but it's good to know.

THE GUYS:
Kesey is posted on the Obits page but, like so many of our recent bulletins, his is floating in cyberspace somewhere. Bastards at coollist.


TOM MISSES CHARLOTTE (11/17/01)

TOM:
Charlotte Coleman, co-starred w/ Hugh Grant in 4 weddings, of massive asthma attack, London

THE GUYS:
No AP obit on Coleman yet.
No.


ROBERT YOUNG HAS A KNAUSS PHOTO OR TWO (11/11/01)

ROBERT:
OK, I have two photos of Sarah Knauss--the cleaned up version at 117, and what a 119-year-old looks like up close.

You don't have to post these (or just one), but the 1999 page ends with a "no photo yet" which is irritating.

I might decide to make a donation this year.

P.S. Do me a favor, get it?

Also, the Jody and John rule should have said "1999 entries," not "2001 entries." Some of the 1999 list entries had been dead for years: Harry Chaloner (1874-1984) and Sam Coleman (may have been an ex-slave who died in the 1970's or so).

THE GUYS:
We got it.


DONNA'S BEEN TO THE POST OFFICE (11/1/01)

DONNA:
I was wondering if you could help me find the birthdates of:

Khalfan Khamis Mohamed Mohamed Rashed Al-'Owhali

They have been picked in our company death pool but we cannot find this information.

Any help/direction you can give will be greatly appreciated.

THE GUYS:
We're pretty sure they were picked for a list by the FBI too.


THE CHEF IS COOKIN' AGAIN (10/31/01)

CHEFDEVERGUE:
It looks like Ronald "The Gipper" Reagan has passed John "I don't have a good nickname" Adams as the longest-lived US president. So does anybody care?

THE GUYS:
Hold on, we'll check............
......................
No.


ANDREA IS TWISTED (10/29/01)

ANDREA:
Love your site but......sure wish you'd put what everybody died from. Old age, cancer, anthrax, what??!!

THE GUYS:
You want to know what they died from? Man, that's sick.


NOT THIS AGAIN (10/20/01)

MAPATERAS:
You're a sick, sarcastic, bastard! you think people dying is real funny huh? That puts you on the same level as that other maggot there looking for in Afghanistan.

THE GUYS:
Let's clear a few things up, perhaps we are sick, clearly we are sarcastic, but only one of us is a bastard damnit.

We've never claimed to find people dying funny though we do think death is a kinda cruel joke. We wouldn't expect you to get it as you have problems differentiating between a twisted terrorist act involving the murder of thousands and the natural death of some over-rated celebrities. Furthermore, that "other maggot" may very well be responsible for the death of those thousands. We can assure you, we had nothing to do with the loss of Lani O'Grady, Jack Lemmon, Ray Walston or any other celebrity. Some people get it, some people don't. Get in the don't line, will ya.


MIKE R. ON EMILY COURIC (10/18/01)

MIKE R.
Hope the O.B.E. guys are relatively unscathed by the events of Sept. 11 (Is ANYBODY unscathed? Probably not.)

Anyway, I see Emily Couric finally died. I got her.

THE GUYS:
Actually, cancer got her.


CHRIS D. HAS JOY (10/16/01)

CHRIS D.:
I can't believe it! A picture of Tad Szulc! I waited all that time for this? Not a particularly handsome man - dead or alive. Next year I am picking a bunch of old people from my hometown to win this thing.


PHOEBE'S BACK (10/14/01)

PHOEBE:
OK ---- how about Dagmar? I thought you guys liked dumb blondes.

THE GUYS:
Yeah, but he was just married to one. Plus, that stupid jumbo, multi-decker sandwich always annoyed us.


TAMARA LOSES THE FAITH (10/11/01)

TAMARA:
Well, I don't know. You guys are fun, but I seem to be out there in the ozone sometimes. Also, death hasn't been a source of entertainment lately. Like the Billy Joel song--"Only the good die young..." The old and mean and boring seem to hang in there forever!

I just have to really think if I want to commit myself to a list! What if someone on my list actually dies--am I responsible? So, I have a lot to think about.. I wish I could go back to Boston and just reflect on this...If I do I'll be sure to spare the details...

So if I chicken out, don't get down on me too much. I think humor is something that we all need. You guys have refined black humor to an art and I enjoy that a lot!

When is the deadline, anyway? I stashed my 20 pages of rules around here somewhere and need to take a look at them if I do get courageous enough to compile a list. Thanks for getting back to me

THE GUYS:
Death is never really a source of entertainment. It's people's reactions that are sometimes humorous. Think of when JFK Jr. croaked. They actually called the guy "America's Prince." If that ain't a pisser, we don't know what is. It really isn't the death that makes the O.B.E fun, it's the celebrity.

Anyway, we'd love for you to stick around, but if you gotta go, you gotta go. We all gotta go sometime.


SHALEMAR REALIZES LERON IS RIGHT ON (10/10/01)

SHALEMAR:
Someone (LeRon) has Herb Block on his list. You didn't give credit or cross the name off. Maybe you just haven't had time yet. If that's the case...sorry!

THE GUYS:
Good catch, we missed it.


THE GUYS ACTUALLY WRITE PHOEBE (10/10/01)

THE GUYS:
Ok, Phoebe... my turn to chime in here. It's the other guy at the O.B.E. - the one who show patience and compassion for Sylvie and not the one who showed nothing but contempt for you. First off let me say one thing. Yes... if you talk in a French accent I will get all gooey with you. All guys will. We are all led by our penises and get aroused at the mere vowel substitutions that lead to an Alabama regionalism, let along a French one. See look at my pants, I am getting a chubber just writing this.

Also, look at the date that I wrote back to Sylvie. It was 9-11. A day that we shall all remember. Steve was away and I was running the webpage solo and maybe, just maybe I was in state of shock and was being a bit kinder than usually to my fellow man. Of course, in this case my fellow man was a 16 year old French chick... mmmmm.... hubba a hubba, ya know.

Also, Phoebe - you need to know something. For whatever reason, when you correspond with the OBE you should use the mailbag links on the page. If you did that, your mail will be sent to BOTH guys at the OBE. Yours were only sent to Steve, the nasty one and not to Matt the nice one. See Steve is married, works in a high risk job, has a kid and lived in the colder climate - and has lot to be grumpy about. Matt, on the other hand, is single, no kid, a college professor and basks in Miami - and Matt is always nice to gals whose pants he may be able to get into someday - even if it is a long shot.

So I hope I have cleared some of this up for you Phoebe; while giving you some insight into what happened behind the scenes here at OBE central. Now having said all that; what about those naked pictures Steve mentioned? Huh?!

Matt

The Other Guy at the O.B.E.

A side note from Steve, the other other Guy at the O.B.E:

What Matt really fails to realize is that he is not grumpy because I'm his friend while I on the other hand am grumpy because he's...well you get the idea.


DAMN, IT'S A LEE CHILD (10/8/01)

HUDSUCKER LEE VIII:
Sorry I have been lax in my writing. Seems the ol' Bag I call Ma' done off and tried to burry 'live out back next to me pappy - Hudsucker "Cannonball" Lee. Ma' slipped me sum bad 'gator meat that had done spirrled up. I dun' couldn't believes it. I know, she seems harmless 'nuff, but the ol' Bag has dun gone plum nutso!

Be very careful when you responds to any of her letters - she may find you.

'Nuff 'bouts Ma. When you give her too much attention, she kind of goes off kilter - oops, here she comes now. Gots to run. Keep up the good work. By the way, Hank the Angry Drunken Dwarf funeral was a real pisser - all that moonshine and all.

THE GUYS:
As long as you didn't slip her some bad gator meat, we're okay.


CHRIS D.PRESSED (10/8/01)

CHRIS D.:
Lani O'Grady? Dead? I'm crushed. What will David, Tommy, Nicholas, Susan, Elizabeth, Joanie, and Nancy do now? I mean who will they all turn to now that their big sis is gone? I mean Tommy at least got to move on and hang with Chachi and his Playmates. Nicholas had all the child star issues. And what will Merle do? Play baseball or football?

I hate TV reunions anyway!

THE GUYS:
We're guessing David, Tommy, Nicholas, Susan, Elizabeth, Joanie, and Nancy will go to a funeral.


UH, HOLD ON TAMARA, YOUR SHOE IS.... (10/5/01)

TAMARA:
Hi, Guys.

Bye.

THE GUYS:
Bye? Bye? Where ya going?


PHOEBE FREEBIE IS PICKING, PICKING, PICKING (10/4/01)

PHOEBE:
It's not like I am trying to irritate you or anything, but I was just wondering if you were going to mention the recent passing of Nguyen Van Thieu. i'll even type in lower case if that will help. hope everything is going well for you. THE GUYS:
No. How's that jerk Kevin?

PHOEBE:
Kevin is fine, except he is wondering who in the hell Lani O'Grady is. Lani O'Grady? Jeez. Well, I guess Nguyen Van Thieu is no Lani O'Grady.

THE GUYS:
No, he isn't.


THE CHEF HAS GONE FROM ALA CARTE TO RENE DESCARTE (10/2/01)

CHEFDEVERGUE:
Lots of talk about a dead dwarf, and no obituary. Are you not until the AP says you're dead? No --- not until your bank manager says you're dead, according to this article.

Something for philosophers such as yourselves to ponder.

THE GUYS:
What's "ponder" mean?


JANA WATCHES CARTOONS (9/30/01)

JANA:
Wasn't Lorenzo Music also the voice for Garfield? As in the cat? As in the cartoons on Saturday mornings?

THE GUYS:
Yes.


STALKER TRYING TO GET A CHUCKLE (9/29/01)

STACEY THE STALKER:
Lani O'Grady of Eight is Enough (fame) was found dead in her home on Tuesday, she had reportedly finished a detox and rehab treatment. There is no evidence of foul play. Apparently "Eight Ball is Enough".

THE GUYS:
Apparently, seven is enough.


DAMN COOLLIST (9/25/01)

BRETT:
Hey "guess what guys ?... "

I still have not received an email from you guys in months.

I registered for your list service numerous times (and even got confirmation that it was completed).

Could you look into this (again) ? I would like to join next year's pool if I can actually participate.

THE GUYS:
You are on the mail list. I think that the problem is with hotmail. About 3 6 months ago they started this thing where your "junk mail" goes into a seperate folder. Hotmail sees our very funny messages as junkmail. What you need to do is go into the junkmail folder and find one of our messages. Then you can select it and set the sender address as an acceptable sender. From then on it should come toyour regualr mail box.


GRAPES IS COOL (9/23/01)

GRAPES:
Hey "guess what guys ?... "

I found a picture of Tad Szulc. Tad might have gotten a AP write-up, but my Hank didn't have to wait 8 months for his picture to be found (just wanted to point that one out).

THE GUYS:
Thank you.

GRAPES:
just trying to help out :) you guys seem busy


BARON ON DOT (9/23/01)

BARON:
When did Dorothy McGuire pass away--was it yesterday?

THE GUYS:
No it was on the 13th of Sept.


PHOEBE ON SUBJUNCTIVES AND NUDITY (9/22/01)

PHOEBE:
Lucky for you, I don't have a scanner, but I'm working on it. Although, I think I need to see some credit card numbers from you first. To quote Tom Lehrer,

"No fellow could ignore The little girl next door, She sure looked sweet in her first evening gown. Now there's a charge for what she used to give for free In my home town."

Obviously you think my name is Freebie and not Phoebe. Cheap bastards.

ALSO --- Video Hound gave "Gremlins 2" three and a half bones. Who are you to argue with the Hound? You're probably pissed because they gave "Robin and the 7 Hoods" a measly two and half bones.

THE GUYS:
1) The fact that you said "lucky for us" is worrisome. 2) We'll gladly give you credit card numbers. Just not ours. 3) Obviously, Video Hound is a putz.

PHOEBE:
Well this is what you get for free then:




THE GUYS:
Man you've got a hairy chest.

PHOEBE:
It's about time you started getting all mushy and gushy with me. What a couple of smooth talkers, even if you are cheap bastards.


PHOEBE IS JEALOUS (9/21/01)

PHOEBE:
Oh sure...I ask a simple question and all I get is insults and abuse. Sylvie writes about God only knows what and you fall all over yourselves with mush and gush. ICK. If I talk with ze exotique accènt française and ooh la la, will you be all gooey with me??? Quelle frommage.

I took your advice and read over the numerous e-mails, and you have incorrectly used the subjunctive when describing what Frank would do to Osama if he WERE alive today. Don't tell me that the hotties can't read.

THE GUYS:
Nothing turns us on more than a gal who acts like our high school English teachers (most of who, by the way, were frumpy old broads and men). Stew on that one Phoebe. Subjunctive indeed.

As for Sylvie, it just so happens that there are TWO, count 'em TWO, Guys at the O.B.E. Maybe the one who responds to most of the email is a nasty f'er and the other one, who wrote Sylvie, isn't. Did ya ever think of that Ms. I'madamngenius? Obviously not. Also, are you 16? Probably not; you know the word subjunctive. Perhaps we presume a more mature women can handle wry, cynical, and sometimes down right nasty humor while a 16 year old who has not mastered the art of using capital letters yet needs to be handled in a slightly different manner.

You want us to treat you like Sylvie? Fine. Go to your room Phoebe. Go to your room a force yourself to watch "Gremlins 2." Try not to wretch at the quality of your work. There.

Also, if you're really a hottie, send us some naked pictures........please. We'll use the subjunctive, promise.


KEN YOUSTEN ON SOME REALLY DUMB STUFF PEOPLE DO (9/19/01)

KEN Y.:
Seems that Clear Channel Communications, a chain that owns over a thousand stations nationally, has circulated a list of "potentially objectional" songs that should not be played after the terrorist attack. Included is "New York, New York" by your favorite radical trouble-maker, Frank Sinatra.

THE GUYS:
Great, first a bunch of companies won't let their employees fly the flag, now this. Sinatra must be turning over in his grave. Man, if he was alive today he'd have personally kicked bin Laden's ass then made it with all four of the guy's wives. Damn we miss Frank.


CHRIS S. WANTS TO KNOW TOO MUCH (9/17/01)

CHRIS S.:
Do you know of any TV companies that make celebrity obits before they've died?

THE GUYS:
Yes, all of them.

CHRIS S.:
But I meant do you know of any specific production companies that do this, as opposed to the channels?

THE GUYS:
Whada we look like, Brill's Content?


WE MAKE SAYYES CHUCKLE (9/14/01)

SAYYES:
As always, you guys are
funnier than a poop stick!
Funnier than snake shit!
Right on, Brother Man!
(Hey where's that coffin cam?!)

THE GUYS:
Than snake shit? Gee, thanks.


THOSE FRENCH SURE TALK FUNNY (9/11/01)

SYLVIE:
my name is Sylvie Rousseau im 16 years old and i just wanted to know something is about O.B.E and i just wanted to know if O.B.E means out body exprience? cause if its mean that well i did two of them so please write me back because i want to know what could happned to me or something else ok

THE GUYS:
Sylvie, Sylvie, Sylvie... sweetie, honey, baby, pussy cat... no, no, no... OBE, my darling, stands for Old Blue Eyes... as in Frank Sinatra.. you know... the Chairman of the Board... the king of the hill - top of the heap.... It does not stand for 'Out of Body Experiences'.

You crazy kid... now c'mon what the heck would you want to go and have an out of body experience for... what's the matter with your body... for heaven's sake, it's only 16 years old!

Now silly girl, you march straight back to you room and think about that, huh. Out of Body Experience indeed... ya know there are plenty of people in China that would be happy just to have one body.... sheesh...


GRAPES CUSSED (9/10/01)

GRAPES:
Don't worry,.. i will only complain once ...#@*&%@$ !. Finally someone on my list dies (Hank) and i get no points :(

THE GUYS:
For the record, we weren't all that worried.


CHRIS D. LIKES CRIS ROCK (9/7/01)

CHRIS D.:
I agree with Cris Rock. I mean, Mr. Belvidere should have made the list of the dearly departed. After all, if a guy like Christopher Hewitt can't make the list, what does that make of that Steadman-Oprah-boyfriend guy and of course, my favorite, Tad Szulc? Rock on Mr. Belvidere!

THE GUYS:
Hold on while we check on something.......Yup, we were right, nobody over here gives a crap.


A LONG TALK WITH PHOEBE (9/7/01)

PHOEBE:
What about Crash Davis? He died last week I think, and I know he got an AP obit. He is sort of a celebrity. I mean I never heard some of these guys you have listed, Dwarf Hank or Tad Szluc or whatever. I don't get it. Is an AP obit all you need? What the hell. Maybe next year I will enter and pick Pope Shenouda III and he will die and I mean he is a pope and everything so he will get an AP obit, and wouldn't that be great. I don't know if he counts as a celebrity. Am I rambling?

THE GUYS:
Yes, you're rambling. But we really liked your work in Fast Times at Ridgemont High. You were so hot back then. How could you marry a prick like Kevin Kline?

PHOEBE:
Oh Kevin is just sloppy seconds. I really had my eye on Pope Shenouda III but he was already taken. And you never answered my question about what the hell you guys call a celebrity. Are you politicians or something?

THE GUYS:
We have answered that question approximately a gazzilion times. It's in the rules. It's in countless email responses, all of which we post on our page. Man, why can't the hotties ever read? Also, what the hell ever possessed you to do "Drop Dead Fred?"

PHOEBE:
OK, point taken. What a couple of grouches. And as far as crappy movie roles are concerned, after John Gielgud was in "Caligula" the bar was lowered for everybody. But I don't see you complaining about that.

THE GUYS:
Just to be clear, Oscar is a grouch. We're two assholes. Also, we like Caligula.

PHOEBE:
Somehow, it does not suprise me that you like Caligula. I am glad you cleared this up. Grouches are a real nuisance, but I like assholes. So did Caligula, if I am not mistaken.


PAUL ON MCVEIGH (9/7/01)

PAUL:
I noticed that someone had Timothy McVeigh on their list and he died this year. How ever, In parenthesis, he was given zero points. Why is this???

THE GUYS:
Paul, good sir, there is a little something called the rules. We suggest you take a gander there.

PAUL:

I did look over the rules, and then I looked over them again. The rules mention 5 points for a solo celebrity, 3 points for a celebrity on 2 lists and 1 point for all others. But it doesn't mention zero points. Maybe I missed it somewhere but I couldn't find it.

could you please enlighten me

THE GUYS:
Section 8.0, Last Paragraph reads as follows:

Third, certain riff raff, though their deaths will likely be reported in the AP, are excluded from celebrity status. No person who is killed by a scheduled execution: foreign, federal, or state, will count as a celebrity (this does not include assassination, overthrow, or coup d'etat). The idea here is no death row, political prisoners condemned to death, or the like.


ROB FINDS A BOO BOO ON OUR PAGE (9/7/01)

ROB:
Why do you guys not have Joey Ramone listed on your site? He died back in April, the 14th or so I believe. He was a lot more famous than some of the people you have listed, like Ronald Reagan's daughter.

THE GUYS:
Shoot. That's an html error. He used to have an obit then somehow we deleted it. It's back now.


CHRIS D. DRVING HOME A POINT (9/6/01)

CHRIS D.:
Still no picture of Tad Szulc?

THE GUYS:
Imagine that!


ALAN ON THE DWARF (9/5/01)

ALAN:
I guess that Grapes has heard that Hank the Angry Dwarf died on Sunday.

THE GUYS:
Not yet she hasn't. No AP obituary!

ALAN:
So he's not dead until the AP says he's dead? Hopefully he'll get some comfort from that...

THE GUYS:
No, he's dead. It just doesn't count as a death in the game until the AP says he's dead.


JOSH ON THE DWARF (9/5/01)

JOSH:
Hank the Angry Drunken Dwarf of the Howard Stern show died yesterday September 4th at the age of 39.

THE GUYS:
True! But the AP has yet to report the death.


TKYGOD NEEDS HELP! (9/5/01)

TKYGOD:
It would seem that although I did sign up for your coolist, and coolist clearly states that I am a member, I am being passed over from your wondrous "those that have passed over" list. I miss it immensely. So if you could maybe send me some insight as to correct this oversight I would really appreciate it.

THE GUYS:
Check to see if your email account filters out bulk emails (e.g. SPAM). We are aware that persons with Hotmail accounts often have these emails filtered out because it sees them as Spam. If this is the case with your account, you'll need to set the filter such that XXXX@coolist.com is let through. If that doesn't work, well, looks like you're screwed.


LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, CHEFDEVERGUE (9/4/01)

CHEFDEVERGUE:
Your Troy Donahue crack was almost more than we in the office could endure. Fresh off a grueling Labor Day weekend, we were subjected to wretched, migraine-inducing punnery. I am sure we are not the only ones; I'll bet Pauline just Kael'd over when she read that one.

THE GUYS:
Leave the funnys to us, okay?

CHEFDEVERGUE:
Leave the funnys to us, okay?

THE GUYS:
A rim wha? Man, that doesn't sound very nice.


TOM ON KAEL (9/1/01)

TOM:
You guys do critics? Apparently this one (Pauline Kael) was famous.

THE GUYS:
The only good critic is a dead critic. Oh crap, that makes this rather interesting, eh?

TOM:
Sure does!


ROBERT YOUNG DRAGS OUT AN OLD NAME (9/1/01)

ROBERT YOUNG:
I just saw the name Tad Tzulc in the Time obituaries, the first non-O.B.E. sighting for me--not that I actually tried.

THE GUYS:
Who the hell is Tad Tzulc?


DAVE AND THE DIRT NAPSTERS CHIME IN (8/31/01)

DAVE & THE DIRT NAPSTERS:
What’s the problem with posting a memorial for Betty Everett especially since you dedicated some space to an, at the very best, mediocre R+B starlet who just couldn’t travel without that extra make-up bag? Aaliyah who first starring role in the lame duck "Romeo Must Die", a film that even kung fu fighting guy Jet Li couldn’t make fly also stars in an upcoming adaptation of another Anne Rice batboy book "Queen of the Damned". Well at least in this flick she is supposed to suck.

THE GUYS:
Here's the deal. Someone being famous and someone being a celebrity is not the same thing! When Aaliyah bought the farm, a whole bunch of fans brought flowers, held vigils and all that nonsense. When Betty Everett cashed out, you sent an email.

See the difference?

Anyway, there is always going to be debate over who should and should not be posted. In the end we look at the name recognition, the current relevance, and the humor factor. Sometimes we fall a bit short in some peoples opinions. As always, we say, "too damn bad" when this happens.

P.S. We hear that Jennifer Lopez was hiding in the cargo bay.


CRIS ROCK CHIMES IN (8/19/01)

CRIS ROCK:
I am suprised to not see Mr Belvedere(Christopher Hewett) not on the list of recently departed. He passed on Aug 3 2001.

By the way, some of us feel that the Reggie Bar was quite a tasty treat.

THE GUYS:
The fact that you had to call him Mr. Belvedere just goes to show you why you don't see him. If we said, "Hey, Bill Bixby died (which by the way he did)" you'd know who we meant. If we said "Hey, Christopher Hewett died" you'd say "who?". Then we'd have to say , "Mr. Belvedere" and you'd say, "Oh that guy."


WHAT KINDA CHEF WOULD WRITE THIS? (8/16/01)

CHEFDEVERGUE:
Having read Tamara's 8-3-01 report, I realized that I must have lost the assignment you handed out earlier. The dog must have eaten it. When I write my report on my summer vacation, please let me know how much detail you expect.

By the way, some of us feel that the Reggie Bar was quite a tasty treat.

THE GUYS:
No Chef, all of us feel the Reggie Bar was a tasty treat.


WE HATE THIS JOB (8/16/01)

MORGUENOLIA BLOSSOM LEE:
Well Well Well, lil' ol Cap Pistol thinks he's a takin care of me does he. He's just afta my lil' tin of money I keep stashed in an old mason jar down by the crick. I reckon I cannot tell ya'll about where tis, but the crick is big and ya'll nevah evah gonna find it. I remember a time when I left the sunshine state for a brief visit with my cousin Albermarle up in Charleston. We talked about how, when we were kids, how we'd gather by the river an watch them unload boatloads full of Swimpy Raw Raw and Vegetubbles. Then we'd go back behind the house an sing this ole favorite (I use my name here) Morguey am a handsome gal
Haul away Morguey, Haul away Gal
Fancy Slippers and fancy shawl, Haul-Away
Morguey gowine ter de fancy ball,
Haul away Morguey, Haul Away gal.


HAHAHAHAHA. Oh, my britches have done slipped down my knees agin. And that odd boy has jest stepped into the room. I gotta go. An I hope Hope gotta go to.
Morguey needs a point.
Haul away Hopey, haul away Bob!
Fiddle dee dee
I gotta Pee!

THE GUYS:
If you mention your britches slipping again, we're going to quit. Pardon us while we vomit.


UH, EARTH TO ALEX (8/16/01)

ALEX:
Permission please

THE GUYS:
Yesh, sure, go ahead.


MARVIN M. LIKES BOWLING (8/16/01)

MARVIN M.:
What, does not one of the greatest bowlers of all time not make the AP? They are pinheads to say the least.

THE GUYS:
Think about what you just said. "Greatest bowlers of all time." Earl was just good at an activity to justify drinking 4 beers on a Tuesday. We simply don't respect that. Who needs justification?

Now Odd Job, on the other hand, had the greatest bowler of all time. It could cut a man's head off at 50 paces.


TAMARA GROVELS (8/16/01)

TAMARA:
Sorry. Nobody I ever heard of has died recently. I do apologize if I bored or offended anyone. I'm just waiting for my chance to compile my list for 2002. Hope no one is mad at me. I thought the Queen Mum e-mail from the Chef was totally funny. I heard if you can make it past 75 years of age, that you have a good chance of living past 90, especially if you eat yogurt. Maybe rum contains yogurt... Thinking of the 3 "R's". Bye.

Make that gin instead of rum.

THE GUYS:
1) Never apologize for being boring or offensive, they're virtues. Well, at least offensive is a virtue.

2) Considering much of the world really doesn't like Americans anyway, we're certain at least a handful of people are mad at you.

3) If you make it past 75, in all likelihood you're too damn tired to die.

4) As for rum, it doesn't have yogurt. Neither does gin. What a dumb thing to say. How would they get that big bear into the bottle and what would Boo Boo do once he was in there anyway?


CHEF MAY HAVE WRITTEN THE EMAIL OF THE YEAR! (8/3/01)

CHEFDEVERGUE:
I don't know what conclusions to draw from the this. A 27-year-old athlete enters the hospital with heat-related illnesses and never checks out. Meanwhile, a creaky old woman 3 days from her 101st birthday totters into the hospital, also suffering from heat-related illness, and emerges a day later, ready to party.

She scares me. Is it all that Bombay Gin? Should the Queen Mother get a tryout for the tackle's position with the Vikings? How would she look in purple anyway? And are my great-grandchildren going to be saying, "well I'll be damned, the Queen Mother turns 201 today?"

THE GUYS:
We simply can't beat that email with a witty reply. It was just too damn good! Thank you.


CAN SOMEONE PUT A CORK IN TAMARA? (8/3/01)

TAMARA:
I've missed OBE a lot this summer! I saw some really neat gravestones in Boston. They have skulls and other scary stuff engraved on their very old tombstones depending on the cause of death. Aren't at least one of you from out East? Wow,it's cool--especially Cape Cod!!! I had 2 near OBE-type encounters-- we were in Hyannis when Eunice was hospitalized after a car wreck and I'm glad she's OK. We missed seeing Arnold & Maria & kids, but I did see some pictures of Maria as a kid (heavy) and the rest of the clan at the JFK museum in Hyannis. Terrific place...On the way home, we passed thru Hartford, CN, where one of our favorite actresses, Katherine Hepburn was undergoing successful treatment to extend her long and worthwhile life--she's a classic...Hope she lives a long while longer. We saw the site of the Boston Massacre, but can you believe it is in the middle of a street on o traffic light island? Must have been a confined battle. Boston is great. Sorry for gushing...Later you can ask me how I stuck my foot in my mouth at home trying to describe this awesome website to a couple of assholes from California. Was I supposed to be impressed that somebody is related to one of those CHIPS guys, and he wasn't even the cute one?? CHIPS was not on my "must see" list ever... Are all Californians related to some "C" or "D" actor? I'm done trying to even tell people that this is the coolest place to be...They'll just have to find out for themselves. As for people from CA, if I were related to anybody or anyone responsible for that lame show CHIPS, I wouldn't tell anyone!! Talk to you later!

THE GUYS:
Now that the school year is back in session and we've heard all about your summer trips, let's focus on the three Rs. Reaper, Rotting, and Rigor Mortis.


STALKER ON THE FLATLEY (7/29/01)

STACEY:
Michael Flatley will be hanging up his "Riverdance" shoes after tonights performance in Dallas.

THE GUYS:
Gee what a shame. We're all broken up. Nothing that terrible has happened since they stopped making Reggie bars.


CHEF ON THE MAIL BAG (7/27/01)

CHEFDEVERGUE:
What has happened to your mailbag page? I wanted to share some of the Tad Szulc rants with my wife, but everything is gone.

THE GUYS:
As far as we can tell, those great Tad Szulc emails are sitting on our server like so many juicy plums. Or, uh, something like that.


CHEF ON WELTLY AND LEE (7/24/01)

CHEFDEVERGUE:
With Eudora Welty having departed the scene, does that mean that Morguenolia is now the South's premier lady of letters?

THE GUYS:
Oh, she's a lady of letters alright. It's just a matter of which letters and in what order.


ROBIN S. ON GUNTHER GEBEL-WILLIMAS (7/11/01)

ROBIN S.:
A part of my pathetic childhood has died. I am truly saddened by this one.

THE GUYS:
Don't worry, you have your entire pathetic adulthood and old age in front of you.


GARY B. CHECKS ON FRANK CHECKING OUT (7/11/01)

GARY B.:
what date did frank sinatra die

THE GUYS:
His body left the planet on May 14, 1998. His immortal spirit is with us to this day.


EVA WANTS TO KNOW ABOUT CHET (7/5/01)

EVA:
What was the debate over Chet?

THE GUYS:
The debate was whether he should be posted or not.

EVA:
Oh, so you were seriously thinking that he was NOT post-worthy? That's funny. See, I thought it was all a big joke and I was trying to find out where you were going with it. Of COURSE he's post-worthy! Sorry that I was trying to find a laugh in all this.

THE GUYS:
Well, most people would recognize the name but few would be able to describe what made him famous. That's always an issue.


ONE FOOT IN THE GRAVE SPEAKS (7/5/01)

ONE FOOT IN THE GRAVE:
With the year half over, I'd like to reply to Robert Young's {3/21/01} remarks/ranting that my youngest pick was 97 and {at that time}, not one had died. Well Bob, check your leader board. I'm currently in 5th place with 3 deaths and you yourself noted how V. Hamburger {who I was the only one to select} had a 3-page obit in the NYTimes. Not bad for a first time D.P. entrant? Maybe next year Young's team name will be: One foot in the grave and the one in his mouth? J/K - I'm just grouchy for having to work today!!


THE CHEF ON CHET ATKINS (7/5/01)

CHEFDEVERGUE:
I was wondering if you planned to list Chet in the bulletins, and was glad to see he finally was accorded the honor. I'm sure some jazz aficionados are out there whining, "but what about Joe Henderson?" but I would guess he really doesn't rate. You don't want to start another Tad Szulc firestorm after all. Joe was pretty good, but he was no Glenn Hughes, after all.

THE GUYS:
Actually, we'd love to start another Tad Szulc firestorm. And another thing, Joe was no friggin' Tad Szulc either.


KINETIC DREAMS ASKS ABOUT THE GAME (7/4/01)

KINETIC DREAMS:
I want to sign up and join.Do I have to mail that list in or can I e-mail it to you?

THE GUYS:
You can't play the game until the end of this year when the new contest is launched. You can, however, sign up for the mailing list and get many a funny message when some famous individual buys the farm.


THE SPAWN OF SATAN SPEAKS (7/4/01)

HUDSUCKER "CAP PISTOL" LEE, VIII :
Seems as if Ma' got into Pa's supply of the good '62 hooch and sent you off another of her ramblin's. I'm not quite sure what the heck she was a sayin' 'bout the big blow of '28, but, she does tend to get on a roll and not stop. I thunked I best give you guys the straight poop on some here stuff.

First off, Delaware is a lovely state. Great skiing. They were the first state to ratify our Constitution - or maybe the third. Anywho, Ma' and Pa', not bein' too swift, sends me to Delaware thinkin' the North will lose the war, and wanted a boy to experience the loss of the War. Of course, we won - stupid fool parents! So I ends up staying there for a few years after the War. I discover this here mud in the Delaware River that some Yankee named Doubleday ends up cheatin me outta' and sells it to some new organization called Major League Baseball. But that's enuff about that.

Thens I travel the world for a few decades. Seems as if walking really keeps you young. I just walk and walk and walk. Even met this fellow named Gump whiles I was walkin'. Thens I run out of money, but hear that Ma' is still alive. I thinks to meself, "Self? Why no go home?" So here I be, and as Ma' would say, Fiddle Dee Dee.

So I'm a down here takin' care of Ma' till she kicks, I mean til' she is well enough to fend fer herself and stop her ramblin. You guys got any suggestions to help?

THE GUYS:
Yeah, we got a suggestion. Suicide pact.


MARVIN M. ON ADLER (7/1/01)

MARVIN M.:
my list is not readily available. did I not have him? know I did in the past.

THE GUYS:
Yes. Your list, silly, is on the web page.


DORIS ON NORRIS (6/30/01)

DORIS:
Is it true that Chuck Norris has gone beyond the beyond? Two people have told me that he dropped dead of a heart-attack. I've seen NOTHING in any papers, or on the internet. I've heard NOTHING on the radio, or on TV. Who but you guys would know better? Last I heard, Chuckie decided to put WALKER:TEXAS RANGER to rest, in anticipation of the birth of his twins. He was also contemplating going back to films. But who knows? Maybe his much younger wife did him in. Tell me it isn't so.

THE GUYS:
As far as we can tell he's alive and kicking. Pun fully intended.


JOHN M. TALKS TO US ABOUT BOB HOPE (6/29/01)

JOHN M.:
maybe changing the name of the club to the O.S.N (Old Ski Nose) in honor of Bob....maybe that will push him down the Road to Morocco a bit

THE GUYS:
Or we could simply go for the in-your-face, "Bob Hope You're Not Breathing Tomorrow Celebrity Death Watch." But how could we desecrate such a great man, Sinatra that is, by changing the pool name.


STU GOT CARRIED AWAY (6/28/01)

STU:
Jack Lemmon??? What ,did Mike pick another F%^#$ guy no one ever heard......oh wait, I know him. Never mind. I've just been used to the Ted Sczlucs of the world.


MARVIN ON O'CONNOR AND HOOKER (6/22/01)

MARVIN M.:
I for one will miss Archie. Through him and the term "Meathead", used affectionately on Rob Reiner, I derived my endearing term "Knuckles" for family, friends and associates in my life who possess similar, if not identical qualities as those portrayed in the tv series.

for Hooker he said
ditto

THE GUYS:
Did John Lee Hooker use the term "Meathead" on Rob Reiner too? Musta been one of the lost recordings.


A VERY FUNNY CHRIS D. EMAIL (6/21/01)

CHRIS D.:
Still no picture of that noted celebrity TAD SZULC. What's up with that? I figured that lots of people would have pictures of that noted celebrity TAD SZULC. Certainly there must have been several video clips on the news of TAD SZULC. USA Today didn't prominently feature TAD SZULC's picture on the front cover after he passed one month ago?


THE CHEF ON HAMBURGER (6/18/01)

CHEFDEVERGUE:
When I told my wife that Viktor Hamburger had died, she asked, "did he die from e-coli?" Ugh. That was so wretched that I didn't want to be the only one to suffer, so I am passing it on to you. In fact, I am suprised you didn't come up that one yourselves.

THE GUYS:
Tell your wife that he died because he was 20% fat. Now he's dead meat.


MARVIN M. ON SALCA (6/18/01)

MARVIN M.:
I guess a bunch of people were late to this funeral.


ANOTHER REASON TO FLEE FROM MS. LEE (6/18/01)

MORGUENOLIA BLOSSOM LEE:
Well fellas, since Cap Pistol has been hanging around I have to admit my fortune is in jeapordy. Seems this hellion was trackin me down jes to git his fingers on some of the old "plantation foundation". I will be very careful with the little bastard around. You know,we figgered the North would lose and, well being the ugliest of the 8 Lee siblings, we decided it would be best if he lived with his great aunt Kinnie Boonswallow of the Delaware Boonswallows. It has been said the Kinnie's husband Renfore "3 fingers" Boonswallow invented the thresher!. Anywhats, with hurricane season slowly winding it's way back to the old south, I would like to remind you of an old tale of the big blow of 28 that hit the everglades "It blowed so hard it blowed a well up out of the ground, blowed a crooked road straight and scattered the days of the week so bad that Sunday didn't get around till' late Tuesday mornin" HAR HAR HAR That one still splits my sides. I do believe I'm bleeding internally from laughing.

THE GUYS:
We too, somewhere around 28, had a big blow and a boonswallow. Ah, those were the days!

By the by, you still make us heave.


STU ON MORTON DOWNEY JR. (6/18/01)

STU:
Does anyone miss Morton Downey Jr???? It's funny, but not only did I forget he died this year,but until he died, I didn't realize he was alive anymore.

THE GUYS:
We're certain some folks miss Morton. They're just not the type of people you'd want to associate with.


CHRIS D. ON TAD SZULC (6/17/01)

CHRIS D.:
Glad to see that I was not the only person irritated by the listing of the GREAT TAD SZULC. Moving away from that Poindexter (thanks, Chef - by the way, I'm still waiting for my Shrimp Louie recipe), I was wondering why the posting of John McKay was not listed. He had some great quotes in his day as a football coach. OK, he coached Tampa Bay, but still, it is the NFL. And why are so many people concerns about you guys kicking the bucket?

THE GUYS:
Yeah, but he was no Tad Szulc!


STU REGARDING SALCA (6/17/01)

STU:
oh,another famous nobody picked by Mike! What a surprise. I'm sure the next physician who helped create the band aid that dies will be another point for Mike. As I said when Ted Szclucucu, WHO THE F%^$ IS AL SALCA AND WHO THE F&*% CARES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE GUYS:
Uh, Mrs. Salca cares.


MIKE R. WANTS HIS SALCA (6/15/01)

MIKE R.:
Here's a weird one. I see AP is reporting the obituary TODAY of Alexandru Salca, who's on my list. Why it took them a month and a half to write this is beyond me. But anyway, I got him.

THE GUYS:
Please send the AP link so we can credit you. We can't find one.

MIKE R.:
O.B.E. guys: I found that Salca obit that I sent you this morning using the Dow Jones search engine, which my company subscribes to here at work. (It's the mother of all search engines for news, if you can get it.) It's also on my Nexis search at work, which you also need a subscription for. Hopefully, AP will put it on their usual wire search sites (I usually use the Star-Ledger in Newark, or Newsday, on the Web), so everyone can see it. Or perhaps he'll make Obits in the News later. Please keep a lookout, and I certainly will, too. If I see it somewhere where I can send you a link, you'll have it.

This mystery deepens......
I really know how to pick 'em (he says sarcastically), don't I? First the Leslie Quick debacle, and now this guy.

Later the following day
AP was very weird yesterday and last night, and apparently Alexandru Salca's obituary could not be seen in some of the usual places (but could be seen on "certain" search engines). But Salca's obituary has now been officially noted in both Friday night's and Saturday morning's "Obituaries in the News" collection. You can probably see it all over the place now (like on Yahoo! or wherever you usually see Obits in the News)
And it was!!!!


ROBERT YOUNG SPENDS WAY TOO MUCH TIME ON OUR PAGE(6/15/01)

ROBERT YOUNG:
I met Whitman Mayo is 1994 at Clayton State College (Morrow, GA). He was already frail at 64.

As for Tad what's his name, I hadn't heard of him either and I'm not a guy around the watercooler. He was not listed in the World Almanac list of Noted Writers of the Present which includes such big-time names as Chinua Achebe, Maxine Kumin, and Jose Saramago.

Mike is a "professional" death-pool player. I've seen his name on several other death-pool sites, so when he picks up these never-heard-of near-deaths, it's not just for the O.B.E.

Of course, I didn't wager any money this year, but the others that did are going up against a real pro.

Also, I noticed you took the high road and didn't post my Morgueniola Lee bashing (which was in good fun). Got lazy on Victor Kiam--I think he also owned the Patriots.

Lani A. had Timothy McVeigh listed, not scratched out yet.

Viktor Hamburger, listed on "One Foot in the Grave"'s list, died June 12 at 100. He would have been 101 on July 9. Dr. Hamburger is listed in several encyclopedias and the New York Times obit was 3 pages long--though I'm sure people at the watercooler never heard of him. For more info see Noted Nonagenarians and Centenarians (In Memoriam section).

Marie Bremont (died June 6 at 115) is listed on "Shimonh"'s list but is not crossed out. Since this is a single pick, that should be 5 points for Simon with two h's.

THE GUYS:
McVeigh will not count as it was a scheduled execution. We will update the page however. We fixed the Shimonh problem which was nothing more than an oversight. You'll note that the score page reflected the correct information. As for not posting one of your emails, it's likely becasue we didn't get such an email or we lost it. Otherwise, we assure you, we'd post it.

Mike is a heck of a good player in many pools and we give him a world of credit. However, we think that a better definition of celebrity might help make the game more fun. We're thinking about options.

Finally, we'd gladly pay you Tuesday for a Hamburger today.


ROBERT YOUNG ON THE OLD (6/7/01)

ROBERT YOUNG:
Marie Bremont of France, recognized by the Guinness Book of Records as the world's oldest person, died June 6, 2001 at 115. This marks the 5th consecutive year the "world's oldest person" has died:

1997 Jeanne Calment, 122 Feb 21, 1875-Aug 4, 1997
1998 Marie-Louise Meilleur, 117 Aug 29, 1880-Apr 16, 1998
1999 Sarah Knauss, 119 Sept 24, 1880-Dec 30, 1999
2000 Eva Morris, 114 Nov 18, 1885-Nov 2, 2000
2001 Marie Bremont, 115 Apr 25, 1886-June 6, 2001.


TAIPEI GETS ALL MOUTHY (6/7/01)

TAIPEI:
I WONDER WHAT WILL BE SAID ABOUT YOU? THINK ABOUT THAT WHEN YOU SPEAK OF THE DEAD!

THE GUYS:
Hey, that really changed our minds! Ya know, you're right. Where do we get off having a laugh at other people's expense. Thanks for that lesson Davey. Tell Goliath we say hi too.

Puh-lease.


CHRIS B. ON VICTOR KIAM (5/30/01)

CHRIS B.:
Hey guys, remember Victor Kiam? "He loved the raser so much he bought the company?" Well, he died two days ago.

THE GUYS:
Saw the obit. Deabating the celebrity status. That one's a tough call.


TAMARA'S GOT MOJO (5/26/01)

TAMARA:
You guys just make my day.

THE GUYS:
And you make ours.


WE LOST IT ON THE CHEFDEVERGUE BY MISTAKE (5/25/01)

CHEFDEVERGUE:
I am just curious as to who picked Whitman Mayo, because I can't find him on anybody's list.

THE GUYS:
Look man, if we told you that "Grady" from Sanford and Son died you'd know exactly who we were talking about. If we told ya the guy who wrote a biography of the Pope died you'd say, "Uh, okay." So if ya don't like the way we decide on fame, go hang out with the Tad Szulc crowd.

Plus the tag line "...hold the Szulc" just isn't all that funny.

CHEFDEVERGUE:
I was only wondering who picked Grady, because I didn't see him on a list, and you said he was on somebody's list. You guys are getting a bit touchy on the subject, although after the billions of Tad Szulc e-mails, I wouldn't be suprised. No nit-picking going on here...here in the office we said "Grady's dead? That sucks." We spent the rest of the day humming that nifty "Sanford & Son" theme song. How about "I'll have the Tad Szulc platter, with a side of Madame Chiang Kai-Shek. Easy on the Alexandru Salca, and hold the Whitman Mayo." Har har har...

THE GUYS:
Sorry, we've been under alot of stress. Jeesh, we lost Whitman Mayo and Tad Szulc in one week.

CHEFDEVERGUE:
At least nobody snuffed it at Indy or at the Coca-Cola 600 this weekend. That stress might have been enough to send you over the edge once and for all.


CHRIS D. HAS A TAD TO SAY (5/24/01)

CHRIS D.:
Ted Szulc? OK, I was standing by the water cooler at work the other day, and someone said, " Did you hear that Ted, um, wait, give me a second, hang on, he's a, it's um, oh forget it, died?" I thought the point of this thing was someone who could pass the water cooler test. Just because someone puts someone on a list doesn't make them a celebrity. You guys have said this all along. The only reason that his death was even reported was because HE WORKED FOR THE FREAKIN' AP!! Whomever put him on their list has way too much free time on their hands. The guys at the O. B. E. have always had better standards - you guys have told us that in all of your emails all along. Pass the water cooler test and they could be considered. He's right up there with the Steadman clown from the beginning of the year.

For the record, when I tried to send this email, my spell check popped up and Ted's last name was not recognized. Nice celebrity!

THE GUYS:
Actually, the rules clearly make Tad Szulc a celebrity. But, if he didn't appear on someone's list we would not have reported his death. We'd like to reconcile this difference next year. We'll see.

For the record, it's TAD Szulc not Ted Szulc. Ted Szulc is obviously famous.

CHRIS D.:
Understanding that you run the pool, to the best of your abilities, your rules do not need to be clarified at all. You put out a rule. "Would people know who you were speaking of at the water cooler?" That seems straight forward and simple. It isn't who is obscure, near death, and might get their in an obit, so let me submit them and then they HAVE to be included. I mean, the guy worked for the AP, so of course they are going to list him. I don't care if his name is TAD or TED. I mean this is supposed to be fun, right? If someone actually trying to win this thing, a life needs to be given to them. Why the heck would I include Hugh Hefner on my list? This is a guy we want around - just on the off chance we might get invited to the mansion. That's just my two cents worth - which by now is up to a quarter.

THE GUYS:
You're babbling dude.

CHRIS D.:
Fine, I'm babbling. At least I have names that people recognize on the list!


THE CHEF IS COOKING AGAIN (5/23/01)

CHEFDEVERGUE:
There seems to be a lot of venom flowing regarding the late Mr. Szulc. Jeez, he was only on "Meet the Press" and "McNeil-Lehrer" about a billion times. I guess if a celebrity has a Poindexter-like quality about him, he is not a valid celebrity. When Smokey Yunick died I am sure plenty of Poindexters across the land said, "who the f**k is that?" If Howie Dorough gets trampled to death by a mob of teeny-boppers, just about anyone over 12 would be wondering who the hell was also. I don't know if Mike R. is a true Poindexter, but he sure knows how to pick 'em. Everyone should stop whining --- go read a book or something. Give your brain a workout for a change.

THE GUYS:
We don't really think Tad or Smokey are celebrities. Then again, who the hell are we. Bottom line is that part of the fun of the game is for people to know who the hell the person who died is. To that end we should really alter the rules. Then again, we're pretty lazy. We'll see.

Tad Szulc.....sounds like thai food or something.


TAMARA SPELLED BACKWARDS IS ARAMAT (5/23/01)

TAMARA:
I don't mean to sound RASH, but I think someone famous will meet an unfortunate end this week-end. If I were actually an OBE contestant, I'd be looking at race car possibilites, but I love all race car drivers--so I hope not!! Hopefully, it will be someone we will all not miss--but SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN. Someone that kinda deserves it. I have a few ideas , but I can't tip my hand until the next OBE round -up.

THE GUYS:
It's when NOTHING HAPPENS that we start to worry Tammy gal.


STU REALLY HAS A BIT TO SAY ABOUT TAD SZULC (5/22/01)

STU:
Who the f**k knows who Tad F**king Szulc is. This Mike is in serious need of help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would like to exhume Mr Szulc's body for DNA testing since no one knows WHO THE F**K IS TED SZCULC OR WHATEVER!!!!!!!!!!!
Have a nice night.


DR. EVIL ON TAD SZULC (5/22/01)

DR. EVIL:
I was just reading in my paper today that Mildred Horowitz died. She once was seen sitting next to Clark Gable at a bus stop. Obviously, this makes her very famous and she should be mentioned.

THE GUYS:
Crap, I guess we gotta update the page again!


ANOTHER FAN EXPOUNDS ON THE JOY HE GOT FROM OUR PAGE (5/21/01)

ALGIB:
you guys are sick, maybe one of you guys might croak.

THE GUYS:
Actually genius, we'll both croak at some point. Guess that's a newsflash for you, eh?


CHET ON MILLER (5/21/01)

CHET:
You guys didn't think the passing of Jason Miller on May 13 in Scranton, PA was worthy of inclusion into your "Gone but not forgotten" list?????? He was 62 yrs old, starred in "The Exorcist", and won Pulitzer Prize for "That Championship Season". He was also the father of actor Jason Patric.

THE GUYS:
Prior to you reading his obituary, if we had said, "Hey, did you hear Jason Miller died?" what would you have replied? We think that answers it.


TAMARA IS SCRATCHY TOO (5/21/01)

TAMARA:
Hope the unfortunate hand injury that one of you had has healed. I appreciate your using my name--NOT--but "Tamara is Itchy" does kinda sound better than "OBE wannabe." My comment for tonight is this: I've always liked Perry Como; I have a lot of Christmas songs on ancient things called albums (esp. "Ava Maria" and "There's No Place Like Home for the Holidays".) Perry was a great guy, but his last few Christmas specials on PBS were almost too painfulto watch. I think he was ready to go because he did a lot of good things for this world and I'm sure he's in a much better place. Now for my irreverent kicker--does anybody know if Perry Como was in a Coma when he died? I'd appreciate knowing...

THE GUYS:
We use the name at the end of the email. By itchy, we meant to imply anxious and earger. Is there, uh, something else that it might mean. Ew, sorry.

As for Perry, jeesh girl, did you ever see the guy? He was in a friggin' coma his entire career!


TOM ON SIDE WALK ART (5/21/01)

TOM:
Susannah McCorkle may not have been well-known to fans of your site (she wasn't to me) but she was somewhat famous anyway. Jumped, apparently, from an apartment window.

THE GUYS:
Yeah, her biggest hit was with the pavement.


MARTY M. THINKS WE CARE (5/15/01)

MARTY M.:
This guy Ted Rogers a washed up gameshow host in the uk died about 2 weeks ago.

THE GUYS:
....And


CHEF ON DOUGLAS ADAMS (5/13/01)

CHEFDEVERGUE::
What a shame about Douglas Adams. But, since "life is wasted on the living," he should be quite happy with his current non-living status.


DR. EVIL LIKED THE COMO LINE (5/13/01)

DR. EVIL:
Of all your cute little remarks regarding all these dead people, this one had me rolling in the aisles. Very funny!


LOUIS E. CORRECTS US REGARDING HOW MANY BOOKS WERE IN THE DOUGLAS ADAMS TRILOGY (5/12/01)

LOUIS E.:
Eventually 5,actually.(you forgot MOSTLY HARMLESS)

THE GUYS:
True enough.


STALKY'S BACK (5/12/01)

STACEY THE STALKER:
Regarding your response to Chris D. on 3/26... I have been unemployed, and frantically searching for a job. I was on the run constantly going to interviews, and when I returned home I collapsed from sheer exhaustion. I am finally (temporarily) re-employed and attempting to catch up on my stalking duties. (I was in Edison today).... I'm free on weekends and will do my best to stalk up to your expectations...

We now return to our regularly scheduled mail bag.

THE GUYS:
We look forward to the new and improved Stacey making like a celery.


OH HELL, SHE SPAWNED (5/10/01)

HUDSUCKER "CAP PISTOL" LEE, VIII :
Well, I'll be a gator in a coon skin cap. As I was down here gettin' reacquainted with Ma, she showed me how y'all have been makin' fun at her expense. She is a lovely ol' lady and one of the finest that the South ever produced. But, since I fought for the war for the North, I really couldn't care less 'bout her 'cept for her stash of cash. Seems the ol' dame of the South has some serious interest after all these years.

See, here's what happened. Back in the war between the states, ol' Hudsucker "Cannonball" Lee has his seven boys fight on the South, 'cept me. He wanted one to experience the loss. Seems dad picked his women as well as he picked his sides. Anywho, I fought on the North and won. So here I be.

Can I still get in on the festivities this year? I would like to enter some of my own peoples in the swaree. Let me know.

THE GUYS:
We're rather certain we're pinpoint accurate when we say you're a son-of-a-bitch.


THE CHEF ON OPERA AND NASCAR (5/10/01)

CHEFDEVERGUE:
I was wondering if you were going to mention the April 20th death of conductor Giuseppe Sinopoli, who keeled over from a fatal heart attack while conducting Verdi's "Aida" at the Deutsche Oper in Berlin. I mention it only because you posted Dale Earnhardt's death, another on-the-job fatality. Maybe people will finally see the similarities between NASCAR and opera ---- long, noisy and (except when punctuated by the occasional death) boring. I wonder why we don't see more rednecks attending "Aida" and "Parsifal?" Maybe because they can't buy a souvenir t-shirt. Also, tell Chris that the Chef is originally from Kansas, a region not renowned for its seafood (or any cuisine for that matter). But the Chef knows 100 fun uses for an ear of corn, only a few of which involve eating. I am guessing that Morguenolia knows most of them by now. Bon apétit, as they say in Osawotomie.

THE GUYS:
That, sir was a superb email. If we gave awards for the email of the month, you'd get one. But, we don't. Tough luck for you.

By the way, we think the opera houses would object to both the coolers and the spitting.


TOM G. CHECKS IN ON DAVID GRAF (5/8/01)

TOM:
One of my friends told me that David Graf, the big goofy-looking guy from "Police Academy" who played the character of Eugene Tackleberry died? I guess he had a heart attack or something of the sort. Did you guys hear this and if so, how much info do you have? Just curious, since this guy really reminded me of actor J.T. Walsh...a perfectly healthy-looking guy keeling over when you least expect it!

Keep up the awesome work!

THE GUYS:
We didn't miss it. It's just that Graf was no Bobcat Goldthwait. Ya know?


YEAH, YEAH, WE HATE HER TOO (5/3/01)

MORGUENOLIA BLOSSOM LEE:
Hello again honey chiles. I have found out the identity of the person who has been lurkin around the old Lee estate.I was talkin to that very quiet Radley boy the other day. I said, "Boo, you haven't seen any body a lookin for me have ya?" And he nodded and mumbled sumthin under his breath. i couldn't understand on the count of I lost some of my hearin back in aught seven in a little town called Apopka during "Find a Feller" contest they have every now and again. So I just moseyed on up to the house, got out my rolling pin and headed for the back porch swing, and lo and behold, my eyes just about rolled over onto the neighbors property. There sitting in my wicker whiskey cordial swing was my youngest boy Hudsucker "Cap Pistol" Lee the 8th. I bout fell over with joy and hugged him so hard i broke three ribs. One was his.Anywho, we are getting reacquainted and i have so much to tell him. I'll catch you all up on it at Bible Study after the Cinco de Mayo social at the old Baptist church on the corner of Biscayne and Old route 13 by the Sinclair Gas station. And Mr. Young, Glory Be I have never been so insulted in my life. Imagine me a figment of someones wild imagination. I oughta grab you by the scruff of your neck and give you a canin you won't soon forget.

THE GUYS:
We only hope the boy can stand the smell.


THE CHEF IS COOKING AGAIN (4/30/01)

CHEFDEVERGUE:
My free time is too valuable for worrying about much of anything. Rest assured that I only do this on the company's dime, in an ongoing effort to avoid being a productive member of the workforce. You guys help me a lot in that area; you are cheaper than eBay and more witty than the porn sites.

THE GUYS:
We like that...."cheaper than e-Bay and more witty than porn sites" line. We may use that. Maybe you're not sucha bad guy after all. Hey, we said maybe!


CHRIS D. CHECKING IN (4/29/01)

CHRIS D.:
Wasn't Chef Devergue the name of the Swedish Chef on the Muppet Show? Maybe that's why he is so concerned about the spelling. Maybe the good Chef is concerned about spelling for the kids in the Death Watch. Also, could you ask the Chef if he knows a good recipe for Shrimp Louie? Tell Morguenolia I said hello.

THE GUYS:
Or maybe he's just a putz. Who can really tell, eh?


MR. SANDMAN BRING US SOME MAIL (4/28/01)

SANDMAN:
I love what you are doing
But then again I must have a warped sense of humour
If you need help from Oz-land here I am.

THE GUYS:
We can't believe you know what we're doing. Man, we turned the sink on and everything. And help? Uh, we're fine doing this alone. Isn't that how it's supposed to be done?


CHEFDEVERGUE PONDERS THE MYSTERIES OF ROBERT YOUNG(4/26/01)

CHEFDEVERGUE:
I suspect that Robert Young is bitter because he has not yet received the 3am dirty phone call that you so generously offered to Tamara. How he can confuse my honest praise of a brilliantly run Death Watch with pandering is a mystery to me; how pandering equates with hypocrisy is equally unfathomable, but I am sure he will be more than willing to explain it to all of us. Please do us all a favor and make that phone call.



THE GUYS:
Hey Chef, we think you're spending a wee bit too much time worrying about this kinda stuff. Take up chess or something.


LOUIS E. MAKES A WRY REMARK REGARDING A COMMENT ON MILTON BERLE'S CANCER (4/26/01)

LOUIS E.:
But no "Mourning Becomes Electra" joke about Mrs. Biggs? What restraint!!



THE GUYS:
We were thinking more along the lines of an "Into the Sunset" wisecrack actually.


ANOTHER DAY ANOTHER TYPO (4/25/01)

MIKE R.:
Thanks for updating with my obscure Michael Raoul-Duval pick. In some other games, I've had to prove his fame by pointing out how he first made AP Obits in the News, then a longer, separate, and much more detailed AP obit, then The N.Y. Times, then The Washington Post, etc.

Anyway, I noticed that on my list on the O.B.E. Entries page, the underline continues through my three choices underneath him, too. Those three are still alive and kicking, for now, at least, as far as I know.

THE GUYS:
That's because our Html is as good as our spelling.


ANOTHER SHOULD HAVE (4/17/01)

CHEFDEVERGUE:
I am a little disappointed that you did not mention the death of the Smiley Face guy, whatever his name might have been. The opportunities (on your part) for wry observations on the human condition would seem to be impossible to resist.

THE GUYS:
The very fact that you said "whatever his name might have been" should make it clear why he wasn't posted.

CHEFDEVERGUE:
OK, Mr. Smiley Face then --- but what an impact he has had on our culture. I cannot imagine the bleak existence we would face without his contribution.


MARC S. ON JOEY RAMONE (4/16/01)

MARC S.:
This was a sad day.


HERE WE GO AGAIN! (4/16/01)

SUSAN B.:
Don't forget (though I admit it is awfully easy) David Graf from the Police Academy movies (also easy to forget).

THE GUYS:
You're kidding, right?

SUSAN B.:
No, not really. Dead is dead and let's face it, you've put even less famous (and that is hard to believe) people on your site. I would think this "departure" would be one to truly send up! Where is your sense of humor?

THE GUYS:
We've put less famous people on the page when they are on a player's list. As for our senses of humor...As you can see from our web page, we don't have them.

SUSAN B.:
As I have seen from your correspondance - it would appear not.

THE GUYS:
Come on now, we're kidding around with you. Don't get all weepy on us. How can two fellas who run a game designed to guess what famous people are gonna die not have, at a minimum, a wry sense of humor? Huh? How?

We're a regular crack up. A knee slapper. A chuckle patch. A gigglefest. Damnit, we're downright loopy.

Maybe you're just being a little too sensitive. Toughen up kiddo.


CHRIS D. IS A BIT WORKED UP (4/10/01)

CHRIS D.:
Dale Earnhardt dies and every redneck comes out of the woodwork and expresses their sorrow. Willie Stargell dies - AND NOTHING!! He was Pops! I mean he was our Pops!! Shouldn't we mourn our father? HMPH!


BOB YOUNG ON MS. LEE (4/7/01)

ROBERT YOUNG:
Do you get the sneaking suspicion that Morguenolia Blossom Lee is really a ficticious personality invented by someone who knows enough about the South to make fun of it? No one would criticize themself the way this person does.

Also, CHEFDEVERGUE is a hypocrite and a panderer. Sure, I can naturally spell a word without having to use a spell-checker, but DEVERGUE's comments belie someone too intelligent to be cool. In this dumbed-down world of lowered expectations, intelligence is a liability.

So, continue spouting foul language and hitting the wrong keystrokes; your comments concerning the Pope in the woods really made me laugh (which, you might guess, is not an easy thing to do).

THE GUYS:
Intelligence is never a liability. However, thinking of one's self as intelligent very well may be a liability. Spelling, the ability to use a spell check feature, and grammatical prowess, although important in written communication, are hardly measures of intelligence. As for your question regarding Ms. Lee, we can only hope you're kidding.

As you should have noted by your thorough reading of our web page, we don't regularly "spout foul language." We do use any and all language in a manner that makes us laugh. Hopefully others are laughing with us (or even at us)......as long as they're laughing. We like it when people laugh.


GINGER HEARD A RUMOR (and it ended up being true) (4/5/01)

GINGER:
I heard a rumor today that Ed "Big Daddy" Roth died of a heart attack. Can you confirm or (hopefully) deny this? I can't find any information on it.

THE GUYS:
We think you may have misheard. Lester ''Big Daddy'' Kinsey died of prostate cancer.

GINGER:
thanks! I did actually find an article about him - glad it's not Mr. Roth. Gotta meet that man before he dies.

NOTE:

shortly after this the AP reported Ed's death

GINGER:
So I did hear correctly - Big Daddy Kinsey and Big Daddy Roth in the same week. yeesh!


TAMARA IS ITCHY (4/3/01)

TAMARA:
Hi! I am waiting anxiously for information on the 2002 Death Watch! Love your site!! I like the humor and the fact that you guys both have day jobs, and I think you'll be national celebrities someday. No, I'm not trying to brown-nose; I think your site is just great. I have scanned the Official Rules and it looks like I have a long wait until I can participate. I guess this gives me a chance to think up a good player name and research those celebs who are likely to leave us.. Any tips on signing on? I have an old Mac and Netscape Navigator 4.7 and I usually manage to get by. Keep up the good work! Your one-liners are very funny. I'll sign off as a "Death Watch wannabe." P.S. Do you really need a phone #?

THE GUYS:
Thanks for your kind words regarding the O.B.E. We always appreciate knowing that we are entertaining somebody out there. We only need a phone number if you want us to call you at 3 am and talk dirty to you. We recommend you include it.

As for us becoming "national celebrities one day"....You apparently did not realize that Bob Hope and Milton Berle run this thing.

TAMARA:
Thanks for your prompt reply. I happened to think(!?!) that if you guys do become national celebrities (which you will--I picture you on Letterman), then you guys will be eligible for the O.B.E. Memorial Celebrity Deathwatch, too! It kinda blows my mind! Lately, I find myself trying to think of famous people will expire young, because old farts like Uncle Miltie and Ski Nose aren't about to leave us!! That 3 am phone call thing sounds like a blast, but I never hear the phone after 1 am--I sleep like the dead!


CHEFDEVERGUE THINKS WE'RE GONNA LET HIS PEOPLE GO OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT (3/26/01)

CHEFDEVERGUE:
Unlike many of the recent writers, I prefer to view the somewhat ragged syntax and spelling simply as part of your quirky and idiomatic genius. It is akin to Grandma Moses and other folk artists, where nobody quibbled about the lack of technical refinement and enjoyed the simple beauty of the creative process. You guys are the Grandma Moses of the death watches; don't change a thing, and don't apologize.

On an unrelated note, I can only guess that Robert Young is an actuary, since most of us spend our free time catching up on yard work or other household chores. I suppose someone must provide these valued (?) services.

THE GUYS:
Although we really like the part about quirky and idiomatic genius and we loved the way you compared us to the guy Heston played in that bible flick, we think the syntax is just fine. Its the spelling and typos that smell like week old cheese on a hot summer day.


CHRIS D. HAS THREE....POINTS THAT IS (3/26/01)

CHRIS D.:
What or who does Stacey stalk? Exact how much deeper in the swamp can Mrs. Lee go, and if she saw the mighty execs at the OBE picnicking, what does that say about the places you guys are hanging out? We can assume that the old bat has really poor eyesight. Next, what's up with people cracking on your spelling, tell them to get their own damn web page. Half the fun is trying to figure out the typos!

Lastly, I just got home from Vegas. No sightings of Frank, Dean, or Sam, but I did see numerous guys walking around as Elvis. Although, that 7-11 that I stopped in was a little bit shady...oh well. Thank you, thank you very much.

THE GUYS:
Stacey stalks the Guys at the O.B.E. However, we're beginning to suspect she's not a very good stalker as she hasn't gotten anywhere near us yet. As for Ms. Lee, we think she's at a point in her life that would make a conversation between her and Ronald Reagan quite interesting (if you get our drift). Finally, next time you're in Vegas stick with the cranberry juice cocktail. The Tequila is apparently a bit too much for you.


"M" HAS SOME WORDS FOR US (3/23/01)

"M":
What's with the poor syntax and spelling? What's with the VERY late obituaries?

Hope you get back to the morbid ol' OBE we all know and love!

THE GUYS:
The poor syntax and spelling is the direct result of us rushing to get emails, messages, and the what not out quickly while being damned with only one hand following a very peculiar machine shop accident. Thanks for bringing it up.

The late obits have been the result of two things. The first is Death Watchers picking obscure persons whose obituaries, quite frankly, don't jump out at us. The second has to do with the fact that, believe it or not, we have other jobs. Yup, don't let it get around but its true. We'll try harder......Crap, no we won't but it sounded good.

"M":
Oooooo scarrrrryyyyyyy - now THAT'S more like it!


STALKER TALK (3/23/01)

STACEY THE STALKER:
At age 90 William Hanna of Hanna Barbera is dead. Where would modern day cartoons (crap) be without the likes of Huckleberry Hound, Scooby-Doo, Yogi Bear, Boo Boo, the Jetsons, Atom Ant, Jonny Quest, Quick Draw McGraw, Top Cat, Magilla Gorilla, Pixie and Dixie, Josie and the Pussycats and, of course The Flintstones, and Tom and Jerry? A moment of silence please...

Norma Macmillan, the voice of TV characters such as Casper the Friendly Ghost and Gumby, died of a heart attack Wednesday at the age of 79. She was also the voice of Sweet Polly Purebread on the Underdog series. They say these things happen in 3's who's next?



THE GUYS:
Who the hell are "they" and what do "they" know anyway? Are "they" the same people who said "the world is flat? Are "they" the same people who claimed "the sun rotates around the Earth daily?" Perhaps "they" are the folks who said "You'll never fit an eggplant that size up your....." Well, you get the idea. They've been wrong before and they'll be wrong again.

STACEY THE STALKER:
you sound like my father

THE GUYS:
Why, did he try that dang eggplant trick too?


MS. LEE AGAIN (3/22/01)

MORGUENOLIA BLOSSOM LEE:
What a lovely surprise to finally see some updates at the Ole Blue Balls mail bag. Pray tell you fellas take longer to update this page than it takes me to get to the bathroom after taking milk of magnesia. I've been on the lam for a few weeks what with the nosin around that's been taken place at the ole plantation I call home. There have been a number of inquiries at the Eckerds and Publix, bu so far no one has given me away. I heard tell that someone is very interested in finding out who I am and where I live. I can't tell you how nervous I'm getting. I have had to move deeper and deeper into the swamp. Anywho, while rummaging around in the everglades, which is a river I might add, I saw two men picnicking together at a rest stop on the Tamiami Trail. They looked suspiciously like our boys who run this web site. Now, I am no genius, but if they was together last week down here, who was watching Mr. Steve's wife? What kind of man leaves a woman alone with a new baby..ooh hoot! Someone's coming and I'm illegally in their home using their computer. I have to go my little lovelies. If you know who might be tracking me down, i sure would...................................................

THE GUYS:
Trust us when we tell you there's more than one Death Watcher prowling about hoping to find out where you live. Several of them can be seen tossing rolls of quarters into an old sock each time they entertain the thought.

As for the Tamiami Trail, we have no idea what you're talking about. Uh, you didn't take any pictures, did you?


DAVID P. ON JOE C. (3/22/01)

DAVID P.:
I guess that I've been living under a mountain because I just found out JOE C. from Kid Rock's band died last November... I don't see him on the list for 2000... What's up?

THE GUYS:
It's called the O.B.E. Celebrity Death Watch not the guess which midget's gonna die contest.


ROBERT YOUNG WITH SOME INTERESTING FACTS (3/21/01)

ROBERT YOUNG:
Gilbert Roland, picked by Chet & the Jets, won't be dying this year. Born Dec 11, 1905, he died May 15, 1994 at 88.

"One Foot in the Grave" has a list whose youngest pick is 97. Going down the list, they were born in 1896, 1900, 1902, 1902, 1903, 1902, 1903, 1900, 1903, 1900, 1900, 1900, and 1902. Yet, not one has died and its already Mar 21!!!

THE GUYS:
Ya want a job? It pays nothing and people are always yelling about your spelling, your definition of a celebrity, and your tasteless morbid humor, but other than that it's a hoot.


ROBERT YOUNG RETURNS (3/20/01)

ROBERT YOUNG:
Confucius say, "It is no use trying to carve on rotten wood."
Confucius say, "It is no use trying to argue with a fool--you might not know the difference."
Yes, Confucius is dead.

THE GUYS:
1) Keep Natile outta this! 2) So are you telling us to stop replying to you? 3) He is? Crap, guess we gotta update the page again.


CHRIS D. CHIMES IN ON EARNHARDT (3/20/01)

CHRIS D.:
Dale Earnhardt. Tragedy? Yes. But is NASCAR a sport? Maybe. Are too many people getting pissed at you guys for making fun of the death? I don't hear no complaining about John Phillips. Or the Village People guy! I think I'm going to the Y-M-C-A!

THE GUYS:
A "sport" as defined by Webster is "A source of diversion" or "Physical activity engaged in for pleasure." So not only is NASCAR a sport, but so is sitting on one's couch for hours on end watching the "sport" so long as one is engaged in some physical activity (for example sweating on ones sleeveless T-shirt or drinking very bad, very cheap beer out of can from the cooler next to your arm chair) while doing so. Not we're stereotyping or anything.

As for people who are belly-aching about Earnhardt: It precisely because of these folks that an O.B.E. exists. Anyone believing they have a bond with a celebrity because they sat on their fat asses for the past 22 years and watched him drive a car is, in a word: "Frigginridiculous." According to Webster that means "Plain old stupid." To poke fun at such a belief, we are pleased to say, is why we exist.

CHRIS D.:
Thanks for the clarification. I was beginning to wonder what all the fuss was about. Once again, you have restored my faith in this human race thing!


CHARON FROM THE RACE TRACK (3/20/01)

CHARON:
Just found your page.... some of it is funny. But, not the one about Dale Earnhardt.

THE GUYS:
We just found your email. None of it is funny. Nothing is worse than a sniveling pip-squeak who laughs until it hits home with them and then get all sanctimonious.

Is it too bad that Dale Earnhardt died? Sure it is. Is it a surprise that some guy who drives a car at high speeds crashed and died? Nope. Do we find it funny in some way? Yup. Make us bad people? Maybe. Don't like it? Move on. We have a sneaking suspicion we'll miss Dale more.

CHARON:
I doubt that you will miss Earnhardt as much as we do..... we have been his fans since his start in 79

THE GUYS:
Nevermind.


JAY ON THE COP (3/19/01)

JAY:
Didn't the police guy just die too? I thought I heard he wanted to be buried in his cop get-up...

THE GUYS:
As far as we can tell, Victor Willis is alive and well. Oh, he sends his regards too.


COME ON ALREADY (3/19/01)

(NAMELESS):
in sunday (3/18/01) newspapers here in CT, listed the guy who was the biker guy in the "village people" singing group died. did you guys miss this one?

THE GUYS:
please.


STALKER REDUCES A GUY'S CAREER FOR HER OWN GLEE (3/19/01)

STALKER:
So sad to see that Papa John Phillips died... He was one of the answers to a monthly trivia that I got correct. Papa John, Papa Doc, and Proud Papa Steve.... Ah.... the memories.

THE GUYS:
We're sure he'd be pleased to see his career had hit such a high.


AT LEAST JULIA LIKES US (3/17/01)

JULIA:
You know, you guys are really, really witty. I just love it when someone dies so I can read my email. The tears stop and the laughter begins. In my will you are my first choice for the elegy. Think of something funny now - I hate surprises.

THE GUYS:
Then we guess we shouldn't tell you we've been photographing you through your kitchen window and using the shots to superimpose your head on the body of a naked Dudley Moore for some very disturbing internet fetish sites, huh?


CHRIS D. ON MORTON DOWNEY JR. (3/16/01)

CHRIS D.:
Who got custody of Morton Downey's bad make up that he used to wear? The reason that I'm asking is that anything we can do to help Blossom might mean that she might leave us alone.

THE GUYS:
We weren't sure if you were refering to that hag Ms. Lee or to Miam Bialyk. But in either case, you're right.


HOLY COW, IT'S A BITCHY ROBERT YOUNG (3/16/01)

ROBERT YOUNG:
Too often you don't have pictures, even when they're not hard to find. For example, Abraham Beame, Mayor of NYC. Usually, the Nonagenarians and Centenarians website will have pictures of dead famous people for two weeks following their death. Afterward, only the words are available in the archive, unless there's a photo on the web link (so you missed this one).

Don't forget to intentionally misspell a few words in the "humorous" reply.

THE GUYS:
First off, you're right, we have been a little lazy on photos. But who the heck are you to be bitichin' What do you do. Oh right, you fire off some smart mouth email from time to time and think you're king rat. Guess again chumley. Second, you're right, our replys are humorous. But our crappy spelling is just that! We make lots of typos over here, mostly because, unlike some of our more loud-at-the-mouth Watchers, we do a lot of friggin' typing.

So next time you want to pick a fight tough guy, why don't you do it on the set of that crummy doctor show you do. And another thing, we hate Brim. Father knows best our ass.


GRAPES IS BACKED UP (3/14/01)

GRAPES:
well,.. they r certainly dropping like flies, but so far none from my list and it is already March. I don't believe voodoo spells were specified in the rules,..so are they OK ?.. i seem to need to help nature along a bit.

THE GUYS:
Try some Exlax.


MIKE R. ON MR. QUICK (3/13/01)

MIKE R.:
No AP obit on Leslie Quick Jr., though I don't know why. When I originally found out about this guy's condition and cancer late last year, I figured he was a no-brainer for national obit recognition. I mean, he founded Quick&Reilly, which may not be Chase Manhattan or Schwab or John Hancock Financial, but Quick&Reilly is a fairly well-known business firm with a relatively rich history.

Anyway, the breaks of the game. Interesting how a North Dakota Attorney General like John Schneider makes AP's Obits in the News, yet Mr. Quick doesn't. AP has both surprised me and let me down in the past, and I'm sure they'll do so again in the future.

THE GUYS:
If ya think the AP's gonna let you down, wait'll ya get a load of what a disappointment Gunter Gabel Willaims is gonna be.


SAINT PETER RUNS A DEAD POOL (3/11/01)

SAINT PETER:
Y'all are invited over to a new "pool party" in town, by name of The Passing Interest. Actually, some may question whether this particular pool is little more than a hot tub, but while the gathering is small, the group is lively, and I think you'll find us serving up some tasty tidbits. Come on in, the water's fine... SPLASH


CHEFDEVERGUE ON THE MADAME (3/07/01)

CHEFDEVERGUE:
Madame Chiang Mei-Ling celebrated her 104th birthday yesterday. You death watchers who keep picking the Madame ought to send her a nice card and some flowers, and wish her many more happy birthdays. Keep it up Madame!

THE GUYS:
We're certain a few Death Watchers would like to be sending flowers her way.


ROBERT Y. ON HOLCOMB (3/01/01)

ROBERT Y.:
Ben Holcomb, listed in the Guinness Book of Records 2001 (published in Sept 2000) as the "oldest living man" died Dec. 2, 2000. Thus, for 2001 he was already dead. Obituaries can be found in several places, even People Magazine (Dec 4, 2000)

THE GUYS:
Excellent catch on your part. We'll need to do a wee bit of HTML work. Thanks!


MAN WE WISH SHE'D GO AWAY (2/28/01)

MORGUENOLIA BLOSSOM LEE:
Well, it's raining down here in the sunshine state,so I thought I would mosey over to the computer and see what is new. I notice Mr. Bush finally is declared a winner. I do declare I had trouble with the chad. Chad Everett that is.I kept poking him with my chad prodder and ........you know, I have a secret. I heard tell from the other side of the hollow, you know, by the blacktop highway up past Willoughby?. Any way, there's a stranger that's been looking for me. He goes by the name of Randolph Parmenter. He was supposedly sent by a party up near the northern tip of Tennessee to see where I might be found. Luckily, most people don't know my name round here. They just say "Lookee, here comes that crazy ole witch from Palm Hollow looking to steal some hogs feet and used tea bags off our porch" or "Ain't she dead?" or "Don't poke it with a stick Bobby Jo, it's liable to bite ya". Well, i got a feeling that I'll be looking to recede into the ole swam shelter my great great grandpappy used to cook up his moonshine at. I'll be there for a while. But seeings I'm in 3rd place in the old bug eyes contest, I will be sneaking into other folks homes to check the standings on an irregular basis. I may even sneak up to Lakelorde and say hello.

THE GUYS:
We're rather certain that "sneaking into other folks' homes" is impossible for someone whose stench most certainly announces their presence. Any chance you'll have major surgery anytime soon? Any at all?


JULIA HAS QUESTIONS (2/27/01)

JULIA:
Since the late Ms McRae was (god, I can hardly bring myself to admit this) my age, I would love to know the cause of death so that I can check for symptoms.

Is there proof that Madame Chiang Kai-Shek is still alive? I just finished a book about her - written too long ago to address the issue that if she is she has got to be somewhere between 104 to 106 years old. Where is she being stored? Has anyone actually seen her breath in the last 10 years?

THE GUYS:
Meredith MacRae died of complications from brain cancer. As for the Madame, she's alive! It just so happens one of the Guys at the O.B.E. took the sassy old gal out for an ice cream soda on Friday last. Thing is, we think she's a little on the cheap side. All her clothes were made in Taiwan. Go figure.


THE MOORE FAMILY MUST REALLY DIG NASCAR (2/22/01)

THE MOORE FAMILY:
We, The Moore Family, would like to extend our deepest sympathy for the loss of your husband, father, grandfather & friend.

Even thou we are apart of the TV-Nascar Family we know that feeling of loosing a close loved one. We joined the memorial service via TV. As fans we can not thank you enough for letting us grieve also. It is now easier to find the closure needed. We hope this knowledge assist all of you with your needed closure.

Our PRAYERS are with all of you.

THE GUYS:
We at the O.B.E. appreciate the nice words you had to say about Dale Earnhardt. But, for the record, he isn't part of our family and we aren't part of the "TV-NASCAR family." Matter of fact, we think NASCAR is about as fun as watching the grass grow. No, we take that back. It's less fun.


NATE PONTIFICATES(2/10/01)

NATE:
Every year since Sinatra died, people annually have Ronald Reagan, Bob Hope, Queen Mother, The Pope, Boris Yeltsin, Strom Thurmond, and Madame Chiang Kai-Shek at the top of their list. These 7 people simply will not die. All are old and and in poor health, but God doesn't want to take them yet. Will at least one of these people die in 2001?

Since 1994, we have lost greats like Sinatra, Jimmy Stewart, George Burns, Princess Diana, Mother Teresa, Roy Rogers, Gene Autry, Dean Martin, Gene Kelly, Ella Fitzgerald, JFK Jr., Barry Goldwater, Richard Nixon, Jacques Cousteau, Ginger Rogers, Jerry Garcia, Joe Dimaggio, Mickey Mantle, Charles Schulz, Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, Burt Lancaster, and many many more. It seems like one of them is bound to go soon.

THE GUYS:
That's what they all thought last year too.


BARRI ON DALE (2/8/01)

BARRI:
I appreciate you not going with the obvious happy trails joke, this time.

THE GUYS:
You're welcome.


CHRIS D. TO SAINT PETER (2/6/01)

CHRIS D.:
Send out a big thank you to Saint Peter (The Greatest of all the Saints) for me. I am glad to know that he will put in a good word for me with the Boss - Springsteen or otherwise. And in no way was I inferring that Pete was cheating - just that he might have some inside information. Now that has been cleared up, I am glad to know that Saint Peter is around!

In my never ending quest of dumb questions, do you think that the Great Saint could let me know who might win the World Series this year? I am going to Vegas next month. Speaking of which, where is the ghost of Frank playing?


WHAT ABOUT GEORGE? (2/2/01)

CHEFDEVERGUE:
How about George Kennan? He will be 96 in 2 weeks, if he is still alive. I haven't seen any obits on him, but I noticed that none of your erudite Death Watchers has picked him. Please solve this mystery for me.

THE GUYS:
Kennan is alive. He was last published in October of 2000, writing about his family in " An American Family: The Kennans: The First Three Generations" As an aside, we don't have any erudite Death Watchers. They're all just rude and ignorant. Just like us.


MIKE R. HAS JOY! (1/27/01)

MIKE R.:
Al McGuire! I got my first death early this year. The Coach can work with the greats now. And the way Al lived life, I think he would be happy that he was named on a list or two. He never met a joke that he didn't like. He must not have ever met Lake Lorde.


SAINT PETE WANTS CHRIS D. TO HEAR HIM OUT (1/27/01)

SAINT PETER:
Yo, Chris... Consider that where I hang out "cheating" just isn't part of the vocabulary. Sure the halo may become a bit skewed every now and then, but we have some very high standards to maintain around here, as I'm sure you understand. Truth be told, while it is well known that I am keeper of "The Lists," my Boss doesn't actually enter in the names with his magic pencil until just before y'all show up at the front gate. As a result, I don't really have any unfair advantage when it comes to prognosticating the imminent demise of anyone (this Vicious Piranha guy, on the other hand, seems to have a definite pipeline to some information somewhere). Continue to kiss up if you're so inclined, though. Fortunately, with the status of the ozone layer being as iffy as it has lately, tarnish on my halo hasn't been much of a concern. I say "fortunately" because the rest of the saintly types up here stopped offering to break out the Noxon once they were certain that their positions inside the gate were secure. You, however, seem like the sort that would be willing to do whatever it takes to make it sparkle, should the need arise. I'll keep you in mind and put in a good word with the Boss (and I'm not talkin' about Springsteen or Steinbrenner...)


BEV'S GOT WACKY QUESTIONS AND SILLY POETRY (1/25/01)

BEVERLY:
How about Bess Myerson? is she alive or dead? (lol who is Bess Myerson?? 1945 Miss America)
We could learn a lot from crayons:
some are sharp, some are pretty,
some are dull, some have weird names,
and all are different colors...
but they all have to learn to live in the same box.

THE GUYS:
Bess was the first Jewish Miss America. Crowned in 1945, Bess was also the first Miss America to finish college before winning. Bess did a stint as a game show model, an I've Got A Secret Panelist, the New York City Commissioner of Consumer Affairs, and she even tried for a U.S. Senate run nomination in 1980. Later in the 1980s Bess got embroiled in a scandal involving some sewer contractor and kinda fell from grace.

Oh yeah, she's still alive too.

We could learn a lot from booze:
Some are sweet, some are harsh,
Some are bubbly, some are dry,
and they all seem pretty great when you first meet 'em...
but by the next morning they all make you feel pretty crappy.

We're guessing it's a world view thing.


DAMN WE WISHED SHE'D DIE (1/23/01)

MORGUENOLIA BLOSSOM LEE:
Goodness gracious, this site is becoming a good old fashioned cock fight right there in the mail bag. You know, Lake Lorde is close to Punta Gorda and I was wondering how this lunatic found this page. I mean land sakes, if you don't like something you ignore it and find something you do like. It must be that heat and humidity do not mix right down in Lake Lorde. You know the first ever confederate sword was originally forged in the back woods of Lake Lorde. I remember when I was a youngun this old man, I recollect his name was Samuel Vanderbilt Dobbs and he was the first one in our territory to even mention the F word out in public. Anyhoot, he was playing with fire as his family was wont to do and he dropped his musket into the fire by accident (he only had one good eye and two good teeth) and by the time they replaced his hand with a small wooden hook, the metal had cooled and merciful heavens, it was exactly in the shape of a sword. Well, old Samuel was so excited he about wet his undergarments and ran off to show his kin. Unfortunately, he didn't see the palm frond on the right of him, crashed into it and fell right on to the sword. I'm sorry, I seem to have forgotten what I meant to write about. Oh well, those crazy days are far behind me now. If you are ever in Lake Lorde, they have erected a monument honoring ole Sam. You should stop by and say a prayer that you are of no relation to that family.

THE GUYS:
We have tried that whole, if you don't like something just ignore it bit. But, alas, you keep writing anyway. Any chance you'll be getting a hand replacement any time soon? We can only hope.


BILL N. OUGHTS BE EMBARRASSED(1/20/01)

BILL N.:
Is THIS a hoax...find out please...

THE GUYS:
A baking soda and vinegar accident. Puhlease.


CHRIS D. MAY HAVE A POINT HERE (1/20/01)

CHRIS D.:
If Saint Peter is playing this year, isn't that cheating? I mean he kind of knows who is going when, right? And, if he does know, then I say let him win. Saint Peter rules! He is the best of all the saints. All the rest of the saints can't even shine Peter's halo! Enough sucking up? I just don't want him to take me. But, good the best of all the saints do something about Blossom?



SAINT PETER GOT MORE THAN HE WAS BANKING ON (1/19/01)

SAINT PETER:
Your explanation was way too lengthy for my meager needs (actually it wasn't even necessary, because, along with everyone else in the pool, I GET IT !! )

My memo, although addressed to you, was actually for Mr. Lakelorde's benefit, as I hoped he would find it in the mailbag on the website (unless, of course, you believe it to be too incendiary, and are simply hoping this guy will just go away and stay away -- but where's the fun in that?)

THE GUYS:
We respond to all emails in the manner we feel appropriate. We understood the intent of your email and our response was crafted with the same goal in mind.

On a different note, will you please let us in with a minimum of hassle when the time comes? We know we haven't been perfect, but even you must wish that that Hope character would just give it in once and awhile.

SAINT PETER:
O.B.E. Guys: I'll take the matter of your passage through the Pearly Gates up with The Head Man in Charge, but just remember, what goes around comes around. I can see how pillowy-soft you were with Mr. Lakelorde, so I think that it would be safe to say that, while you might have to spend some time in the holding pen, you could just possibly get to eventually strut your stuff on through...

THE GUYS:
Pillowy soft. Ouch.


IF SAINT PETER IS WITH US, WE MUST BE OKAY (1/19/01)

SAINT PETER:
At the EXTREME risk of offending Mr. Lakelorde: GOOD GRIEF, DUDE !!! Come down off your high horse, or maybe just your high (bad smack?), or whatever. If you don't like the game simply pull up stakes and move on to the next table. I hope this guy doesn't own a car (or anything more potent than roller skates for that matter) because his episodes of road rage must be something to see. I guess run-ins with his ilk whenever you host one of these sights are all part of "the cost of doing business." Personally, I would have apologized for the oversight, and then posted the death notice of his fantasy girl Sheila (did he actually suggest that WE get a life?!!)

THE GUYS:
Yes, from time to time we get folks who simply don't get that we at O.B.E. Central are slap happy chaps who like to laugh at pretty much everything. We fully appreciate that death can be a sad time for the living. But, we stand by our belief that when it comes right down to it, death is THE great equalizer and that alone is kinda funny. Add to that the amount of flat out tripe you get when someone famous dies (remember this one "An American Prince", Jeesh) and you've got a calculation for rolling on the floor humor. Will it hurt some peoples feelings? Probably. But, as we have tenderly noted in the past, tough crap.

As for posting Merry Death McRae, she died in 2000 so she wouldn't be posted this year. When she died she did not appear on a single list in the 2000 O.B.E. nor did she get much press. Finally, she did not pass the water cooler test. That is, if, while standing around the water cooler at work you said, "Hey Joe, Meredith McRae died.", our fictional Joe would not say, "Oh my gosh, you mean the one from Petticoat Junction." More likely, our made up Joe would likely say, "Who?" And so, she didn't rate. It was not an oversight.


HEY LAKELORDE, LOOK WHAT CHRIS D. HAS TO SAY! (1/17/01)

CHRIS D.:
I can live with the Dr. Doolittle moniker. But will you please tell Lakelorde that we here in America and those of us who enjoy the OBE use real words. Not kewl or u. At least Blossom provides an intelligent (did I really say that) response to the letters that I write. And, since you advised me this way, was this Lake fellow engaged to be married to Meredith McRae when she passed on to meet Sammy, Dean, and the Great Frank? He sure got upset with you making fun of Meredith, or at least making fun of her stiff remains. Keep up the good work!

THE GUYS:
U r right! U r so kewl. We r so crewl. Lakelorde is acting like a fewl.


LANI MADE A BOO BOO (and we bet Yogi's pissed) (1/17/01)

LANI:
Did I not read the fine print? Is my pick of Timothy McVeigh not going to count? (minutes later...) Damn, I just read it more carefully, and the print isn't even that fine. I'm f**ked, unless of course, there is some tragic prison riot in Terre Haute. I guess this explains why no one else picked him.

THE GUYS:
Tim will count only if the death is not a scheduled execution. We know we really tucked this information away in an obscure little section call THE RULES, but we just figured you'd find it. Don't feel too bad, you coulda picked Henny Youngman.


GREAT, MORE LAKELORDE (1/16/01)

LAKELORDE:
lets see OBE old blue eyes, dont think that was quite his view, have an idea for you folks, why dont you each write your own obit with the same smart quips, show it to your spouses or parents and children and see their reactions

THE GUYS:
So you knew Frank personally? Wow, we're impressed.

As for us writing our own funny obituaries and showing them to our families.....We'd rather have a funeral full of laughing drunks than a single tear shed. A life of smiles and wisecracks beats the crap out of a life of pity and remorse.

There is an unwritten rule in comedy, "You don't make Lincoln jokes." The idea being that death and greatness are not to be mocked. Here's our reply......We didn't realize that honest Abe was Jewish. Yup, he was. At least that's what we presume. Come on, he was shot in the temple. HA HA HA. Crass? Yup! Rude? Maybe. Funny? Damn straight. Don't like it? Leave.

No hard feelings. We'll send you a copy of the obituaries when we die. All we hope is that you laugh.


WE THINK WE MAY HAVE IRKED THIS LAKELORDE PERSON (1/13/01)

LAKELORDE:
you guys missed meredith macrae, she used to be on petticoat junction and i believe shee was the daughter of gordon and sheila macrae

THE GUYS:
We didn't miss her and we don't miss her. We just plain old don't report everyone. Only the big names and names on lists.

LAKELORDE:
SHE STILL WAS A BIG ENOUGH NAME AND IS STILL ON MANY MANY LISTS. GET A LIFE. YOU PEOPLE ARE SADISTIC CREEPS

THE GUYS:
Relax. Petticoat Junction was a great show. We're certain Mer was a swell talent. But, we don't post every single actor or actress that dies. We only post big name folks and folks who appear on a players list. That's how we do it. Creeps, yes. Sadistic, nah.

LAKELORDE:
im kewl, its the fact u said she wasnt missed and we dont miss her. i wonder if someone made a website with comments about your family, parents, siblings or children if u have any if then u would find it so humorous, many of your sites comments are in poor taste or lets say tasteless

THE GUYS:
Over here at O.B.E. Headquarters we look at death like we look at most things, with a twisted grin of acceptance. If you think death is a time for a pity party, we're probably not the place to visit. The Guys at the O.B.E. have never been shy about cracking jokes even when a death was close to home. Bottom line, life is for living and laughing. Some may cringe. Not us.


NOW CHRIS D. THINKS HE'S DOCTOR DOLITTLE (1/12/01)

CHRIS D.:
With the recent passing of Affirmed, I thought of something else. Could we have added animals to our lists (not including Mrs. Lee, or course)? His death certainly will make the AP criteria. And he was faster then any of the other people who will die this year - except maybe Glickman - at least before they died!

THE GUYS:
No animals, only humans. That's not only the criteria for an O.B.E. pick but a strong recommendation as to how you run your sex life.


THERE'S NOTHING LIKE A GOOD STALKER (1/10/01)

STACEY THE STALKER:
So someone has Timothy McVeigh on their list, does that mean if he dies of (other -or natural causes) before his execution is carried out, points are earned? How do you guys handle that one?

THE GUYS:
As long as it isn't the scheduled execution that gets Timmy boy, he counts.


MS. LEE HAS SOMETHING TO SPEW (1/10/01)

MORGUENOLIA BLOSSOM LEE:
Good afternoon boys and girls. First let me explain myself to Gilbert Grapes, or Concord or Grape Ape or whatever her name is. I was born in a little town just east of the Indian River back when Abraham Lincoln was being whelped by his wet nurse. I was brought up in the Grand style of southern tradition by my parents Mr. Hannibal Montrose "Woodshed" Jackson and my mother Lilahbell "Lilahbell" McDermott.. My daddy died when I was four when he caught the dreaded rickets from some poor white trash down the state a ways . Momma had to sell the plantation because my Uncle Tom ran off with the cash my daddy hid in the whippin quarters. Any ways, a kind man by the name of Robert Merrimack Lee took my momma and me in and I later married his son, my late husband Hudsucker "Cannonball" Lee, who was a general in the great Confederate Army of the great southern states. I am not dead. I now live, well I can't mention it because someone might find out where I stashed all of my husbands confederate dollars he saved after the war. that's all I will say now.

As for Mr. Chris D. which when said quickly sounds like "Christy", I do not sir, have any intentions of passin on this comin yeauh. I have found the fountain of youth that that foreign fellow was looking for down here and I will not divulge its locale. So you can stay home Mr. Christy and "Ponce" your "DeLeon" all night long cause this firecracker is not going out. Why don't you and Sour grapes get together and have an "ugly off"!


DAVE LIKED THE MONTHLIES (1/9/01)

DAVE:
I was wondering if you where going to continue the monthly contests and if the November, 2000 answers were 1. Brady, 2. Smith, 3. Platypus and that they all had Bills in common.

THE GUYS:
Yes, those were the answers as posted in the archives. Sadly, we will not be continuing the Monthlies as there was not as much interest in the contests as we had hoped.


NICOLETTE HAS A QUICK VIGNETTE (1/6/01)

NICOLETTE:
I was entertaining myself by reading the O.B.E stats. Do you think that the watcher (Alex H.) that picked Bruce Foresight meant John Forsythe ? That dude from Dynasty (a mere suggestion). Otherwise, I do believe there is a British game-show host by that name (seeing he also added George Best on his list (George used to be a great British soccer player, but lousy drinker).

And can you believe that there are 5(!) members of one family on the list (Kennedy's)... Although they do tend to have at least one funeral, wedding, and court case per year.

Unless of course they fly, then they die in sets of two-sies,... (I did not put any of them on my list, but i do believe Eunice is a sure bet, on the other hand; Rose, the mommy of the clan, lived to be a trillion and one)

Also a teeny-tiny error that i found: Timothy McVeigh is entered twice as being picked once..

THE GUYS:
He is talking about some British dude. We think they may all be named Bruce. Well, except for Prince Charles. Uh, and Benny Hill. Oh yeah, and Paul McCartney. But the damn Queen Mother's name is Bruce. At least that's what we heard.

As for the McVeigh error. CRAP! That means we gotta redo the stats. Damnit.


AS A MATTER OF FACT, CHRIS D. DOES HAVE ANOTHER SILLY QUESTION (1/8/01)

CHRIS D.:
Yes, I have another silly question. Who sang Que Sera, Sera? Was is Dean "Frank sent me home with milk" Martin, or Doris Day? And maybe that's why Doris is so concerned. By the way, have any of you heard from Blossom? Maybe her lack of response to my email means she bit it? One can only hope...

THE GUYS:
Uh, Doris Day, thus the joke. Okay, okay, simple steps to humor:

1) Doris writes letter.
2) We give pithy answer.
3) Then, to make things funnier, we bring up a different and better known Doris and attribute a well known (or so we thought) aspect of her career to our Doris.
4) We get a letter from Chris D. asking who the attribute really referred too.
5) You shoulda stuck to singing that crappy Don't Pay The Ferryman song.
6) Look it up.


JULIA ASKS SOMETHING WE ALREADY SPELLED OUT (BUT OUR SPELLING STINKS) (1/7/01)

JULIA:
Let's say that for whatever reason the contestant is responsible for the death of someone on their list. (For example, it is the end of the year, one is tied with another player, and one has the opportunity to slip a little something lethal into Imogene's cocoa.) Does that death count toward your total? If it is discovered after the prize is awarded would you have to return it?

THE GUYS:
We recommend you refer to the rules: Section 18.0, Item 1. There is a reason we called this section "You Better Read This Stuff".

Furthermore, we think you already knew the answer to your question and just wanted to use the line "slip a little something lethal into Imogene's cocoa" which, by the way, was pretty funny.


CHRIS D. THINKS HE'S NOSTRADAMUS (1/6/01)

CHRIS D.:
After one week, I think we have had almost as many deaths this year as we did all last year. Do you think maybe it was the whole millennium thing coming back to haunt us?

THE GUYS:
No. Any other silly questions?


RETURN OF THE STALKER (1/6/01)

STACEY THE STALKER:
At least all of these folks were cordial enough to wait out the last few weeks of entry time and start dropping off after the ball dropped. Ahhh!!! The holiday spirit.

THE GUYS:
Damn were you in the doctor's office? How did you know the ball dropped? He picked it up so quickly and tucked it back in. Well, it's all better now anyway.


THAT CRAZY DORIS (1/5/01)

DORIS:
Ha,ha! Very funny! A guy that dances with big pink birds! You were kidding, right?!

THE GUYS:
Of course we were kidding. Really, do you think we're that stupid? Jeesh, everybody knows that the only dancing bird is that big yellow one that hangs around with Oscar. We're guessing that Jose just mistook him for a Flamingo.

Now that that's cleared up, will you sing Que Sera, Sera for us? Please.

DORIS:
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother "What will I be? Will I be pretty, will I be smart?" Here's what she said to me: "QUE SERA SERA...whatever will be will be...the future's not ours to see...QUE SERA SERA."

Hah! Bet you thought I didn't know it.

THE GUYS:
You are one okay gal. We're over here at Headquarters dancing around the room. For future reference, a .wav file would be better though.


TOM S. REALLY SEEMS TO DIG THIS SPEARS GAL (1/5/01)

TOM:
Hey guys...i emailed u before about adding my site to your links..u still didn't give me an answer..., i have a britney spears website and i was wondering if you could add my website to your links list. i added your site to my links list but at the bottom. if u link back to my site, i will make it so that your link gets put at the top with a BIG STAR so its noticed more....

THE GUYS:
Actually we did answer back. Then some one over at your site asked us, and we quote here, "What the hell are you talking about." Here was our answer:

We run a Death Watch. When that two bit broad with those silicone hogans is ready to croak let us know. Until then, we'll refrain from linking to teen pop star sites. Of course, we won't hesitate to visit your site regularly and we'll likely be purchasing a bunch more Kleenex.


UH RY, THIS IS THE NOT SO FAMOUS WILL ROGERS (1/5/01)

RY:
Yesterday a story ran in the paper saying that former Secretary of State (1969-1973) William P.Rogers died. Born in 1913, Rogers was Secretary of State 1969-1973 under Nixon and Attorney General 1957-1961 under Eisenhower. He also chaired the commission that investigated the Challenger disaster. He died Jan 2, 2001 at 87.

THE GUYS:
Yeah, yeah. We'll worry about it when his brother Kenny or Uncle Fred kick. He ain't no celebrity.


TODAY'S WORD IS "TATAKUKU" (1/5/01)

TATAKUKU:
How are ya? I reviewed my entry details, just like you suggested. Well done the entry is fine, but...my web name is TATAKUKU (not Takakuku). Sounds like something you might step in on the street! It's actually an Aboriginal word supposedly meaning surrounded by water.

THE GUYS:
We're not sure about the tata but we understand the kuku is lovely.


HOLY CRAP, IT'S SAINT PETER (1/4/01)

SAINT PETER:
Nicely done, gentlemen. However, to eliminate any confusion before it becomes a matter of importance, Martha Stewart's mom spells her name K-o-s-t-y-r-a.

By the way, the email link you have on the website is apparently flawed -- I had two messages kicked back by the mailserver as undeliverable.

THE GUYS:
The email seems to work fine for us. We know that IE users have had problems in the past, but being Netscape type fellas we really didn't give a toss.

As for our spelling, yeah it sucks.


DORIS AND THE DANCER (1/3/01)

DORIS:
Ever hear of Jose Greco? He was a famous flamenco dancer from Spain, who was featured in some of our movies. He just kicked the bucket. He was 82. Adios Jose.....

THE GUYS:
Yeah we've heard of him. But a guy who dances with big pink birds, what's with that?


THE DIRT NAPSTERS GIVE US THE FIRST SPELLING LESSON OF 2001 (1/3/01)

DIRT NAPSTERS:
I don't want to be a noodge, but in Tammy Faye's case Bakker is spelt with two k's.

THE GUYS:
Please, be a noodge. We like noodges. We can use all the noodging we can get. Uh, unless you mean something else by noodging that is.


CHRIS D. ON ALL THESE DEATHS (1/3/01)

CHRIS D.:
4 have kicked the bucket in three days. Marty Glickman - yes a REAL sports guy, unlike that dude in Baltimore - kicked today. Maybe everyone can win this year. Wouldn't that be a hoot?

THE GUYS:
We're not so certain the numerous celebrities listed this year would find this such a hoot.


CHRIS D. TALKS LOVINGLY ABOUT MORGUENOLIA (1/3/01)

CHRIS D.:
I think the moonshine has finally gone straight to the head of that old windbag, Lee. She wouldn't know a rocket from a flag pole from a man. Yet, she continues to ramble on about nothing in particular. I only wish that now I would have put her on my actual list instead of just placing her as an alternate. Then I could have made true sport of this and rooted for her to join her dearly beloved Cannonball Hornsucker Lee in the great beyond. Seriously, you guys are still not condoning the offing of anyone on the lists? If that rule has changed, then take everyone off my list and make it 12 Lee's on my list. Long live the Union!

THE GUYS:
12 Ms. Lees. That is a scary, scary thought.


DAMN! WE THOUGHT MORGUENOLIA MIGHT BE DEAD (1/3/01)

MORGUENOLIA BLOSSOM LEE:
Well kiss my grits and call me loopy. It seems a young fellow from the Union State of NJ has placed me on his list at the old bald eyes obituary factory. Heaven knows even I realize that I am no longer as desirable as some of those vixens I see peddlin their wares on Nokomis Beach. But to be placed on a list is just beyond ........Oh I forgot what I was sayin. You see, we owned some of those coloreds back in the day and I have secretly kept a couple of strong ones around the plantation to keep up with the citrus crops. Anyway, one ebony stallion keeps pounding a fence post deepuh and deepuh into the briar patch....deepuh and deepuh until I couldn't hold myself together and I just saw Aurora Borealis spinning in the sky...........well I declare, I do believe my undergarments have given in to the humidity of the day and all of my precious energy is spent. Imagine that. I don't believe that has happened since Teddy Roosevelt stopped by the homestead in 'aught one and earned his nickname "Rough Rider". Merciful heavens that man did speak softly and had one beautiful big stick.

Well, please let Chris D know that this belle of the south wishes no ill will. Howev-uh, if he sees a confederate flag on his horse less carriage one sunny afternoon, please remind him of my fence post story. You see, one of these boys isn't picky about where he puts his post. We call him "Brer' Psycho". Chris will be callin him daddy!

THE GUYS:
Just a few points. First off Chris D. placed you on his list as an alternate, that don't mean crap now that the game is underway. Second, the term "colored" should really be limited to boxes of pencils and beds of flowers ya hag. Third and finally, the only thing ploughing that briar patch of yours is a rocket made of resin and two "D" cells (and we're guessing that the plastic even cringes when the time comes).

We still despise you!


POOR NAIVE GRAPES (1/3/01)

GRAPES:
As you might know, I am a brand new "celebrity-death-watcher" and would like some explanation about Morguenolia Blossom Lee, if it is not to much trouble.. Is she a fellow-watcher ? a fan ? someone's clearly-NOT-beloved grandmother? or some celebrity that I simply do not know (I admit falling behind in reading the tabloids)

THE GUYS:
Ms. Lee is a player in the Death Watch. In addition, the old windbag has had the uncanny ability to piss off (and in at least one documented case piss on) our players and The Guys at the O.B.E. Morguenolia is like a nasty sore that you're scared to ask your doctor about because he might ask how you got it.

It certainly won't be long before you run into this colorful Death Watch character. The misery of the experience will be all yours. We assure you of that.


CHRIS D. AND THE CELEBRITY ISSUE (1/2/01)

CHRIS D.:
John Steadman? Isn't he the guy who dates Oprah? I thought this was a CELEBRITY death watch. Who is this guy - your obit aside. I mean, who cares about football in Baltimore? Once Johnny U. left, did it matter? And now we are giving celebrity status to someone who only WROTE about the Ravens? Nevermore, nevermore, nevermore....

THE GUYS:
Steadman made the AP so he meets the O.B.E. definition of celebrity. No need to get feisty just because Morguenolia Blossom Lee is still alive.


GRAPES IS ITCHY (1/1/01)

GRAPES:
Anybody die yet ????

ok, maybe i am a bit to enthusiastic,.. LOL,.... hope no one picked Alan Cranston,.. he could wait till 2001, for us funseeking people.

THE GUYS:
Nobody picked Alan except for a fella goes by the name of G. Reaper. Go figure.


CHRIS D. FIRST TO SLAM MS. LEE (BUT CERTAINLY NOT LAST) (1/1/01)

CHRIS D:
Did that Blossom Lee chick bite it yet this year? I am betting on her (I know, no wagering is allowed) to be the first player to die. By the way, when is the parade for last year's pool winner?

THE GUYS:
Blossom Lee is alive, well, and playing in the 2001 O.B.E. As for the parade, we invited everyone who helped make Mike R. the winner but, oddly, not a one of them responded.



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