FOUR WEDDINGS
AND A FUNERAL

(Except for the weddings)

I'll never eat lunch againJULIA PHILLIPS (12/31/01) - Producer and Author. Ms. Phillips produced The Sting and Taxi Driver. She even won an Oscar for her work on The Sting. She was known in 1970's Hollywood as a brash, often crude, and always honest player. Then she wrote a tell all book titled You'll Never Eat Lunch In This Town Again. Man, talk about getting black listed. Oh yeah, Phillips also produced Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Now she's having a close encounter of the last kind.







Aunt Flo's gotta goEILEEN HECKART (12/31/01) - Actress. Ms. Heckart won an Oscar for her work in Butterflies Are Free. She also took in three Emmys and a Special Tony. Pretty darn good! You may remember Eileen as Mary's Aunt Flo on The Mary Tyler Moore Show. Or, you recall Ms. Heckart appearing on stage in The Bad Seed, Picnic, The Dark at the Top of the Stairs, Our Town, and They Knew What They Wanted. But, we'll remember her for her work with Paul Newman in the 1956 film Somebody Up There Likes Me. Apparently that somebody liked Eileen enough to invite her for a visit.







Reaper takes KnightSIR NIGEL HAWTHORNE (12/26/01) - Actor. Sir Nigel was a versatile actor appearing in everything from Shakespearean tragedy to farce. He won a Tony for his portrayl of C.S. Lewis in the play Shadowlands and was nominated for an Oscar for his work in The Madness of King George. Sir Nigel was Knighted by Queen Elizabeth II in 1999 and was good-nighted by a bum ticker in 2001.







Too DeadHARVEY MARTIN (12/24/01) - Football Player. Mr. Martin played for the Dallas Cowboys in the 1970's. Harvey, known as "Too Mean" back in the day, played along side Ed "Too Tall" Jones to clinch the 1978 Super Bowl. Sadly, after his footbal career, "Too Mean" went bankrupt and was inolved with domestic abuse and substance abuse. Beside being too mean, he apparently wasn't too bright either.







Dick Schaap - Dirt NapDICK SCHAAP (12/21/01) - Sportscaster. People loved this guy. He was around the sports game for years, was candid without being in-your-face, and seemed to know everybody. Apparently, Dick loved people and found each one more interesting than the last. His autobiography centered more around his meeting of others than about himself. So, in spite of his name, he was not a dick.







Australian for dead, mateFOSTER BROOKS (12/20/01) - Comedian. Mr. Brooks was a two bit actor. He did small roles and received little attention. Then, one day, he found out that acting drunk gave him an audience. The rest is guest show history. The Guys at the O.B.E. have tried this trick too but apparently it only works when you're acting.







Knowles in a holeJOHN KNOWLES (11/29/01) - Author. Mr. Knowles wrote a very well recognized piece of American literature entitled A Separate Peace in 1959. Eight additional novels later he couldn't recreate the genius of a Separate Peace, making many think the writing of that novel had something to do with a room full of monkeys banging on typewriters.







I REALLY want to see you LordGEORGE HARRISON (11/29/01) - Beatle. Mr. Harrison was the quiet Beatle. George was the spiritual fella in the band. Ya know, all that Maharishi stuff. All that sitar playing. All those friggin' cigarettes. Anyway, the guy was a real talent. His work with the Beatles and as a solo artist was dandy. In addition, George had a great attitude about the temporary nature of life and the acceptance of such. Just check out the title of what is likely his best work, All Things Must Pass. Yup, they sure must George. We'll miss ya.







Mary, Mary, quite sedentaryMARY WHITEHOUSE (11/23/01) - Activist. Ms. Whitehouse spent 30 years screaming and yelling about violence and sexual exploitation on television in the UK. Here's how famous this broad was, we thought she was already dead. On a different note, the war on terrorism has a new enemy. Apparently there is something that has caused a long illness and ultimately death in the Whitehouse.








Ash is to ashesMARY KAY ASH (11/22/01) - Cosmetics Magnate. Ms. Ash built an empire on door-to-door cosmetics sales. Granted, some might call it a cult. But not us. No, no, not us. Mary Kay is likely the most recognized name in cosmetics. For the record, Mary isn't 'kay but shortly she'll be ash.








You're a dead one, Albert HagueALBERT HAGUE (11/13/01) - Actor, Musician. Mr. Hague won a Tony for his work in Redhead and wrote the music for the classic How The Grinch Stole Christmas. However, Albert was best known as the white bearded teacher in both the movie and the TV show Fame. So much for that "I'm gonna live forever" crap, eh Al.






Carrie GoneagainCARRIE DONOVAN (11/13/01) - Fashion Editor. Ms. Donovan spent over thirty years in the business of writing about, editing writings about, and being it the fashion business. Her outlandish tastes made her a favorite in certain circles. Then she did those damn annoying Old Navy commercials. Morgan Fairchild, Joan Collins, Dr. Joyce Brothers, Isabel Sanford, and Sherman Hemsley....we'd be worried.






No furtherKEN KESEY (11/10/01) - Author. Mr. Kesey penned One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest and Sometimes a Great Notion. In addition, Ken's LSD-fueled trip across the country in a school bus named Further, accompanied bunch called the Merry Pranksters, was chronicled in Tom Wolfe's The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test. Ken took that test quite a few times and, although he clearly passed, his liver failed. Phew, talk about a punny obit.






You're going a long way babyEMILY COURIC (10/18/01) - Politician and Sister of Famous Chick. Ms. Couric was a Virginia State Senator and was running for lieutenant governor until she found out she had cancer. Emily is the sister of Katie Couric. Upon hearing the unfortunate news, Katie was heard to say "nothing this unfortunate has happened since Matt Lauer."







deaduckHERB BLOCK (10/7/01) - Political Cartoonist. Mr. Block not only had a long career but a well respected one. Herb started getting his political cartoons published in Chicago in 1929. He ended up at the Washington Post in 1946 and spent the next 55 years drawing for that paper. Block's work was syndicated throughout the United States and he won several Pulitzer Prizes for his cartoons. Herb signed all his work Herblock. Future works will likely bear the signature "deaduck."






The Senator from Montana abstainsMIKE MANSFIELD (10/5/01) - Politician. Mr. Mansfield was the longest serving Senate Majority Leader in history. Mike served in the Senate from 1953 to 1977 and served as Majority Leader from 1961 to 1977. That's a long time on the hill. Now Mike is set for a long time in a hill.







Actually, seven is sufficientLANI O'GRADY (9/25/01) - Actress. Ms. O'Grady played the eldest daughter on the television series Eight is Enough. Basically, that's it. She never really did much after that series. In researching Lani, the funniest thing we were able to find is that there are actually Eight is Enough fan pages. Go figure.









You should hear my Devil Went Down to Georgia!ISAAC STERN (9/22/01) - Violinist. Mr. Stern is credited with saving Carnegie Hall from the wrecking ball in 1960. He acquired five million dollars to keep the hall afloat. The rest is history. Isaac is considered one of the worlds greatest violinists and has influenced the likes of Itzhak Perlman, Pinchas Zukerman and Yo-Yo Ma (Man, isn't anyone named Joe anymore?). Mr. Stern will never appear on TV again, which probably has Joe Lieberman smiling. Now if we could only get rid of the sex.







A tree grows on DorothyDOROTHY MCGUIRE (9/13/01) - Actress. Ms. McGuire appeared in numerous films generally playing the sweet, demure heroine. She appeared opposite Gregory Peck in Gentleman's Agreement and played the mother in A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. Dorothy also appeared in The Greatest Story Ever Told, Swiss Family Robinson, and Three Coins in the Fountain. Oh yeah, and one star in the coffin.







That's Friggin' Angry, Drunken, and Dead, A-hole!HANK THE ANGRY, DRUNKEN DWARF (9/4/01) - Angry, Drunken Dwarf. Henry Nasiff did dinner theatre. Really! He also drank plenty of booze. One day he and a buddy decided to hang-out outside the Howard Stern Show building in hopes of meeting Stern. Now, every red blooded American loves a belligerent, drunken dwarf! Of course Stern realized this immediately and the rest is history. We’re just baffled why Robin Quivers when Hank is the cold one.







Troy down with youTROY DONAHUE (9/2/01) - Actor. Mr. Donahue appeared in several movies and TV shows. He starred in TV's Surfside Six and appeared in the films A Summer Place and Parrish. Troy was also a teen heart throb in the 1950s and early 1960s. Interestingly, he had a pretty serious heart throb of his own.







Damn, I've got a funny hat on!CHRISTIAAN BARNARD(9/2/01) - Doctor. Dr. Barnard was the first to perform a heart transplant. It was this accomplishment that led to much of today’s cardiovascular surgery and, in the end, thousands of saved lives. We also loved the doctor as that sassy blonde on Wings.







Romeo, Romeo, where fore art thou.....AALIYAH (8/26/01) - Actress and singer. Aaliyah was a successful R&B artist who was beginning a successful movie career as well. After cutting her first album, Age Ain't Nothing But a Number at 14, Aaliyah went on to have several hits including "Try Again" from the movie Romeo Must Die. In addition, Aaliyah appeared in Romeo Must Die and was working on the sequel to The Matrix. Aaliyah, we'll see ya.







StrikeEARL ANTHONY (8/14/01) - Bowler. Mr. Anthony was a world renowned bowler. Yup, a bowler. Earl was the first guy to break the one million dollar mark and was known in bowling circles (there are such things) as The Machine. Seems The Machine needed a bit of a tune up.









Blue BoudreauLOU BOUDREAU (8/10/01) - Baseball Player. Mr. Boudreau was a Hall-of-Famer. He won the 1944 American League batting title and was the 1948 league MVP. In 1948 Lou managed, played shortstop and batted third for the Cleveland Indians. Whew! Later in his career he managed several other teams and he was an announcer for the Cubs for 30 years. Mr. Bourdeau also is credited with devising the Ted William’s shift. Uh Ted, any chance you'll be taking Lou's lead on anything else?








Daddy, come here for a minute pleaseMAUREEN REAGAN (8/2/01) - Daughter of President. Ms. Reagan was the daughter of Ronald and his first wife, Jane Wyman. Maureen really wasn't famous in her own right but, as the child of a President she kinda has to rate. We wonder if you folks are having the same reaction Ronald had when he heard the news. If you are, you too are saying, "Who?"







The day the Music diedLORENZO MUSIC(8/2/01) - Voice Artist. Mr. Music was among the best known voices on T.V. in the 1970's. That's because he played "Carlton the Doorman" on Rhoda. It's interesting to note that Lorenzo was also the creator of Rhoda. Lorenzo also voiced numerous cartoon characters including Garfield. We can't help but envision the Reaper doing a soft shoe while singing, "All I want is old Bob Hope and Music, Music, Music."







Up, Up and Away....RON TOWNSON (8/2/01) - Singer. Mr. Townson was the centerpiece of The Fifth Dimension. You may remember their hits from the 1960s, Up, Up and Away and Aquarius/Let the Sun Shine In. For the record, not only will the sun not be shining in Ron, but we hear the air gets a bit musty too.









Valhalla here I comeKOREY STRINGER (8/1/01) - Athlete. Mr. Stringer was a Pro Bowler with six seasons for the Minnesota Vikings under his belt. And it was quite a belt! Korey weighed in at 335 at the start of the practice season. His girth, combined with some pretty darn hot weather resulted in an otherwise healthy 27 year old man dying from heat stroke. We're not gonna say this again fellas, so listen closely, "You're suppose to DRINK the Gatorade."







I'm as dead as a duck nowLEON WILKESON (7/27/01) - Musician. Mr. Wilkeson was a founding member of legendary southern rockers Lynyrd Skynyrd. Of course, Leon survived that fateful 1977 plane crash and went on to reform the band in 1987. Basically, you either loved these guys or gagged at the very mention of "Free Bird." Either way, you knew who they were. As for Leon, how's Sweet Home Undergrounda sound?







Eudora not so welltyEUDORA WELTY (7/23/01) - Author. Ms. Welty began her writing career with several short stories for children. She wrote these before she reached her teens. After attending college, Eudora worked as part of FDR's publicity staff and went on to publish numerous works including the 1971 Pulitzer Prize winner, The Optimist's Daughter. We'd hate to see what happened to the pessimist's daughter.







Roll over, play deadGUNTHER GEBEL-WILLIAMS (7/19/01) - Animal trainer. Mr. Williams wowed three generations of circus fans with amazing animal acts as a trainer and performer for Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus. From the famous head in the lion's mouth to the dancing elephants, this guy did it all. Look in your mailboxes folks, the Greatest Show on Earth will be issuing a change of address!







The Farina's getting coldMIMI FARINA (7/18/01) - Musician. Ms. Farina was a folk musician who started a little organization called Bread and Roses. This organization found musical acts that would perform, free of charge for the infirm, the down trodden, and the imprisoned. Mimi also happened to be the sister of Joan Baez. We're not certain about the Bread and Roses thing, but we're pretty confident the cards and lilies will be rolling in for a while.







Washington Post-MortumKATHERINE GRAHAM (7/17/01) - Newspaper publisher. Ms. Graham took over the Washington Post in 1963 following her husband's, and post publisher’s, suicide. Katherine knew little about the newspaper business or business in general. But, through hard work she taught herself. In the 1970's Ms. Graham really proved herself by publishing the controversial Pentagon Papers and later by breaking the Watergate scandal. Wow, all that and she made those yummy crackers too!







I've found a new place to dwellCHET ATKINS (6/30/01) - Musician. Mr. Atkins influenced many a rock-n-roller in his day. He performed on the hits Heartbreak Hotel, Your Cheatin' Heart, and Wake Up Little Suzy. He fell into a sound sleep, wake up little Suzy and weep. The movie's over, it's four o'clock and Chet's in six foot deep.









Mortimer J. IdlerMORTIMER J. ADLER (6/28/01) - Philosopher. Mr. Adler liked philosophy. He liked it so much that he helped compile the Great Books of the Western World series that adorned thousands of book shelves. Matter fact, Mort liked education quite a bit too. He was among the most respected educational theorists of the earlier part of the century (ya know, before self-esteem was an educational issue). Mr. Adler also edited the Encyclopedia Britannica. Mort was particularly fond of the classic philosophers the likes of Aristotle, Thomas Aquinas, John Locke. Not unlike these brilliant men that came before him, Mortimer is now dead too.







Some like it cold....very coldJACK LEMMON (6/27/01) - Actor. Mr. Lemmon was an accomplished actor of stage, screen, and TV. Lemmon is, of course, known for playing opposite Walter Mathau in numerous movies, two of which earn him Oscars. What a career this guy had: Seven Oscar nominations, two Oscar wins, and an Emmy. Among Lemmon's hits were The Odd Couple, Some like it hot, and Days of Wine and Roses. A sequel to that last one, Days of Soil and Lilies is forthcoming.







Boom Boom TombJOHN LEE HOOKER (6/21/01) - Blues man. Mr. Hooker was one of America's greatest Blues musicians. Among his best known works are Boom Boom and I'm in the Mood. John Lee was born the son of a minister and went on to shape the blues with his contemporaries Muddy Waters and Lightin' Hopkins. Hooker was once asked if he thought he was cool. He replied, "Do I think I'm cool? I don't know." Well John, we know you're definitely below 98.6 at this point.







Aw, meatdeadCARROLL O'CONNOR (6/21/01) - Actor. Mr. O'Connor performed on stage as well as the silver and blue screens. Carroll was awarded an Emmy for his work in In the Heat of the Night in 1989. Of course, O'Connor is best known as Archie Bunker from the TV classic All in the Family. His dying words were reported to be "it's 'gee, our old LaSalle ran great' ya retards."







To the Viktor comes the spoilVIKTOR HAMBURGER (6/12/01) - Biologist. Mr. Hamburger was a world renowned embryologist. Viktor discovered some of the basic principles of physical development. His work was used as a foundation for the discovery of nerve growth factor. His body, on the other hand, will be used as the foundation for a lovely lawn and a granite headstone.







Bon SoirMARIE BREMONT (6/6/01) - World's oldest person. Ms. Bremont was believed to be the world's oldest person. She was 115. In the last 5 years, the world's oldest person has died each year. Interestingly, each of these folks was a woman. These facts make us, the Guys, wonder if there might be a plot. Something doesn't smell right. Oh yeah, that's Marie. We forgot.







Viva CaputaANTHONY QUINN (6/3/01) - Actor. Mr. Quinn was an Oscar winning actor starring in such greats as Lawrence of Arabia, Zorba the Greek, Viva Zapata, and Lust for Life. Quinn was also an artist, sculptor and author. Furthermore, the guy fathered 13 kids. How this guy made it to 86 is beyond comprehension!







Cold CocaIMOGENE COCA (6/2/01) - Actress and Comedian. Ms. Coca was a staple on Cid Ceaser's Show of Show's. Imogene, with her large eyes and fluttering lashes, made subtle exaggeration her comedy forte. We're not sure why, but we've heard she was really popular down in Columbia too.







So-long Mr. WilsonHANK KETCHUM (6/1/01) - Cartoonist. Mr. Ketchum drew the world famous comic strip, Dennis the Menace. Ketchum's strip inspired both a TV show and a 1993 movie. The TV show was popular and had a long run. The movie, like Ketchum, died.







Flat's my lineARLENE FRANCIS (5/31/01) - Actress. Ms. Francis is best known for her steady gig on the TV show, What's My Line. However, Arlene appeared in several other TV shows and movies. Ms. Francis' film career began with Arlene in Murders in the Rue Morgue. Now, her career is over with Arlene in a true morgue.







Charley Pell ....he isn't wellCHARLEY PELL (5/29/01) - Football Coach. Mr. Pell coached the Gators from 1979 to 1984. He was a heck of a coach and did wonders for the Florida football program. Thing is he broke quite a few rules, 59 to be exact. Everything from improper recruiting schemes to involvement in scalping tickets. Eventually an investigation of Florida's football program turned up some not so nice stuff and Charley resigned, taking the blame for all the findings. This event killed Pell's career. Charley had been battling cancer. This event killed Charley.






Good-bye Good goobily goopWHITMAN MAYO (5/23/01) - Actor. Mr. Mayo did a whole bunch of TV, some movies, and taught theatre/film. But the reason he is remembered most is his role as Grady in Sanford and Son. The guy was just great. We understand the family has put in a special order over at the funeral parlor to make certain they can hold the Mayo.







Just a tad deadTAD SZULC (5/21/01) - Writer. Mr. Szulc was a writer for the AP, the NY Times, and Parade Magazine. In addition, Tad authored books on international affairs and figures. Most notably, Tad wrote biographies on Fidel Castro and Pope John Paul II. Interestingly, Mr. Szulc was Polish making him a......aw, we can't. It's just too stupid.







Perish ComoPERRY COMO (5/12/01) - Singer. Mr. Como was a crooner who is often said to have "invented casual." Cardigan sweaters and a melodic baritone voice were his trademarks. Perry had his own television show and did countless Christmas specials. Hits for Como included Papa Loves Mambo, Hot Diggity, and Till the End of Time. We're wondering if anyone caught the falling star.







Death, the Universe, and EverythingDOUGLAS ADAMS (5/11/01) - Author. Mr. Adams wrote The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy books. This trilogy which ultimately was five books, consisted of the adventures of a fella traveling the universe and using a handy dandy guide to help him out. The guide was inscribed with the useful advice "Don't Panic." Adams died of a heart attack while exercising. There's a pretty clear message in that.







I've been put into neutralHENRY "SMOKEY" YUNICK (5/6/01) - Race car designer. Mr. Yunick was a WWII pilot with a love for engineering. He spent his post war years designing and racing cars. Damn good race cars too! Smokey is known in the racing community for bending the rules and having a hundred little tricks to hide the rule bending! This caused him to enter into an over 20 year feud with NASCAR. Henry also ran a racing auto garage which he called The Best Damn Garage In Town. In retrospect, running the Best Little Medical Center in Town might have been a better choice for Smokey.







From Warsaw Pact to heart attackALEXANDRU SALCA (4/27/01) - Author. Mr. Salca, a Romanian national, protested the Soviet invasion of Hungary in 1956. As a thank you for his vocal opposition, the Soviets threw Al in prison for 15 years. Alexandru documented the horrors of the Soviet prisons in several books. Salca died of a heart attack at age 78. The moral of the story here kids, is being Romanian is dangerous to your health.







Movin' on to Frank and SammyJACK HALEY JR. (4/21/01) - Producer/Director. Mr. Haley was not only the son of the fella who played the Tin Man in The Wizard of OZ, he was also a pretty damn good producer and director. The guy won an Emmy for his direction of Movin' with Nancy, a TV special featuring Frank and Nancy Sinatra, Dean Martin, and Sammy Davis Jr. Mr. Haley also produced several Academy Award Shows and created one of the most popular entertainment documentaries ever, That's Entertainment. Did we mention he also married Liza Minelli? Yeah, we'd die too.







Michael, Michael Short Life CycleMICHAEL RAOUL-DUVAL (4/20/01) - Political Advisor. Mr. Duval served as an advisor to both the Nixon and Ford Administrations. For most of that time Mike was Domestic Council, although he started with Tricky Dick as an advance man. Duval also acted in the capacity of special counsel to President Ford. Mike was the fella who used to tell Gerry, "Watch your step."







A Tombstone KopHAL HAIG "HARRY" PRIESTE (4/19/01) - Oldest American Olympian. Mr. Prieste won a bronze metal for platform diving at Antwerp in 1920. During that Olympics Mr. Prieste stole what is thought to be the first Olympic flag. He returned the flag during the 2000 Olympics. After the 1920 Olympics Prieste was involved in movies and theater including an appearance as an original Keystone Kops character. What Linda Blair's problem with this guy was we'll never know. But, she didn't have many nice things to say about him in that Exorcist picture.







Hey Ho, Let's go!JOEY RAMONE (4/15/01) - Musician. Mr. Ramone helped form the punk rock legends the Ramones. Along with the likes of Johnny, Markie, Dee Dee, and others, the Ramones set the music scene on its head in the late 70s and early 80s. For the record Joey, apparently there is some stopping the cretins from hopping.







The Gone ShowSIR HARRY SECOMBE (4/11/01) - Singer, comedian. Mr. Secombe was a well loved British comedian. His BBC radio show, The Goon Show, partnered Harry with Spike Milligan, Peter Sellers and Michael Bentine. In 1981 Harry was knighted. The AP claims that Harry was Britain’s best-loved comedian. Guess they forgot about Prince Charles.







Pops dropsWILLIE "POPS" STARGELL (4/9/01) - Baseball player. Mr. Stargell was a home run hitting hall-of-famer who helped lead the Pittsburgh Pirates in two World Series. Willie was a local favorite son and a statue in his honor was recently unveiled at the new stadium in Pittsburgh. Stargell earned the nickname "Pops" for his paternal nature both on and off the field. Willie had one of the best home run records in baseball. Unfortunately, he also had two of the worst kidneys.






I knew this would happenTHEODORE "BROTHER THEODORE" GOTTLIEB (4/4/01) - Actor, comedian. Brother Theodore’s dark, fatalistic style of comedy earned him a brief place in popular culture back in the early 1980s. Ted did the talk show circuit, did several Letterman Shows, and had an off-Broadway one man show down in The Village. Interestingly, some people claim that Gottlieb’s mom was Albert Einstein’s lover (no kidding). In fact, Ted got to this country from Nazi Germany with the help of Albert. Ted did several movies in his early career including The Stranger with Orson Welles. But, Ted left Hollywood and the movies because he thought Orson was trying to “Welles” his wife (if you get our drift). So in the end, you got a guy whose two biggest claims to fame are the fella who was chasing his mom and the fella who was chasing his wife. What a career.





Cold RodED "BIG DADDY" ROTH (4/4/01) - Hot Rod Designer. Mr. Roth created some of the most interesting cars to grace the 1950s and 1960s Hot Rod scene. His Outlaw, Beatnik Bandit, and Mysterion also spawned a modeling craze around his vehicle designs. In addition, Ed created the anti-Mickey Mouse character Rat Fink. Rat Fink became a symbol for the rebel Hot Rod culture. Then, in 1974 Ed Roth became a Mormon. Talk about a life style change. Anyway, Ed's currently on his way to meet up with some of those latter day saints.






Peter PosthumousWILLIAM HANNA (3/22/01) - Cartoon genius. Mr. Hanna along with Joe Barbera created some of the best characters cartoons have ever known. We're talking Tom and Jerry, Fred Flintstone, Scooby-Doo, Yogi Bear, Huckleberry Hound, Magilla Gorilla, Peter Potamus, Quick Draw McGraw and many, many more. Talk about a guy who played a major role in our childhoods! Of course, commercialism and rehashing old ideas became the mainstay for the cartoon world and Hanna/Barbera ended an otherwise brilliant career with junk such as Challenge of the GoBots and The Flintstone Kids. As for Bill.....He's really ideal and he's awfully cute. He's a cartoon drawing guy in a burial suit.






...And I'm turning grey..."PAPA" JOHN PHILLIPS (3/18/01) - Singer and songwriter. Mr. Phillips was a singer and songwriter for the pop act the Mamas and the Papas. John penned and performed many hits including California Dreamin' and I Saw Her Again Last Night. And assuming she's dressed in a black hooded robe with no discernable face, skeleton hands, and a scythe , he's right on the money.






Maisie pushes up daisiesANN SOTHERN (3/15/01) - Actress. Ms. Sothern appeared in numerous movies including the popular Maisie pictures and the 1950's TV show Private Secretary. In addition, thanks to her ability to sing, Ann performed in several MGM musicals. Ms. Sothern ended up appearing in over 64 movies, 175 TV appearances and one casket.






Talk about writer's block.ROBERT LUDLUM (3/12/01) - Author. Mr. Ludlum wrote spy and espionage books. Neither of the Guys at the O.B.E. ever read this stuff but apparently alot of other folks did. Then again, alot of other folks read Chicken Soup for the Soul. Anyway, Robert had a long and fruitful career as an author. Unlike most authors, Mr. Ludlum started his career in the theatre. Like most though, he's ending his career in the mortuary.






You can call me mort!MORTON DOWNEY JR. (3/12/01) - Entertainer. Mr. Downey did a number of things in his life not the least of which was claiming he wrote the surf tune Wipe Out. But, Morton is probably best known for his high energy, trash talking television show from the 1980's. Downey's persona on that show was rude, arrogant, and "in your face." Whether you loved it or hated it, the show changed the face television. He also made a hell of a fabric softener.






Gone SchneiderJOHN SCHNEIDER (3/8/01) - Politician. Mr. Schneider was a former North Dakota House Democratic floor leader who served seven years as U.S. attorney. In 1993 John was appointed North Dakota's top federal law enforcement officer. Kinda weird that a fella so into the law would walk around mumbling about Boss Hogg and the General Lee all the time, huh?






It's fun to stay in the T-O-M-BGLENN HUGHES (3/4/01) - Performer. Mr. Hughes dressed in leather chaps, a leather cap, a leather jacket, and sang songs such as In the Navy and Macho Man with the musical act the Village People. Now some folks would say they didn't like the Village People because of the lifestyle represented. And some people might say they didn't like the Village People because disco was the bane of true rock music and the Village People were affiliated with the disco scene. But, each time we at the O.B.E. go to a wedding and hear some crap ass DJ jumping around shouting YMCA while Aunt Selma's tossing her arms up in the air like she's about to have a run in with Puff Daddy, we know why we hate the Village People. Thanks a load Glenn.






Stassen is passin' onHAROLD STASSEN (3/4/01) - Politician. Mr. Stassen ran to be a presidential nominee 10 times. This made him a regular loser on the political scene. Of course, he was the President of The University of Pennsylvania for a time. He was also the Governor of Minnesota. I guess we can call the old fella, Harold "The Body" Stassen. Or as they say at the morgue for short, "the body."






It's a dead, dead, dead, dead StanSTANLEY KRAMER (2/19/01) - Producer and Director. Mr. Kramer produced and/or directed some of the greatest pictures to come outta Hollywood. We're talking High Noon. We're talking Judgment at Nuremberg, Inherit the Wind, and Guess Who's Coming to Dinner. Heck, we're talking It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World! Stanley's pictures were associated with 80 Oscar nominations and 16 Oscar wins. The guy knew how to make a good friggin' movie! Not to mention all those antics he had with Jerry and George.






Down for the CountCOUNT BALTHASSAR KLOSSOWSKI DE ROLA (2/18/01) - Artist. The Count, who painted under the name Balthus, is among the best known realists of the 20th century. His works span from early in the 1900's through his death. Balthus was well known for painting erotic pictures of young girls, some of which were called "pornographic" by critics. But, we kinda like 'em.






Shoulda taken up cyclingDALE EARNHARDT (2/18/01) - Race car driver. Mr. Earnhardt raced for NASCAR, a "sport" that many in the U.S. adore. We at the O.B.E. don't quite get the fascination with the "sport" but hey, that's us. Of course, when you drive cars really fast, you can have a pretty nasty crash. Dale did just that. Mike Helton, NASCAR president is quoted as saying, "This is understandably the toughest announcement I've ever had to make. We've lost Dale Earnhardt." Uh, check the wreckage Mike, we're pretty certain he's in there.






Hey man, I got to third baseEDDIE MATHEWS (2/18/01) - Baseball Hall of Famer. Mr. Mathews sure could hit homeruns. He is one of only 16 to knock more than 500 out of the park. Eddie played ball with Hank Aaron and, along with Aaron, won the 1957 World Series for Milwaukee. Eddie was the only guy who played for the Braves in Boston, Milwaukee, and Atlanta. Unfortunately, after a bout with a crushed pelvis, pneumonia, and a heart attack, Eddie finally struck out.






Shoot, he's red not whiteKHALID MOHAMMAD (2/17/01) - Racist. Not much to say about Mr. Mohammad. Guy used to be with the Nation of Islam. Then he went on to head the New Black Panther Party. Guy called whites "Honkies" and Jews "Bloodsuckers." Sure, you can say he did some good stuff like the Million Youth March. And you can also say Hitler made a yummy omelet. In either case the subject's good acts don't detract from the fact that he is a real asshole. The rumor is Khalid had a massive stroke. Clearly it wasn't a stroke of genius.






Man I'm stiffWILLIAM H. MASTERS (2/16/01) - Researcher on human sexuality. Mr. Masters not only conducted tons of research on the topic of human sexuality, he founded Masters and Johnson. Ya know, the sex folks. Not to mention that act they named after William. Ya know, before old Masters they just used to call it "playing with your privates."






Escape from New YorkABE BEAME (2/10/01) - Former NYC Mayor. Mr. Beame was Mayor of the "Big Apple" at a time when its finances were rotten to the core. Abe was an unassuming accountant who won a one term stay as Mayor in the mid 1970's. It's interesting to note that Abe was really a bland fella who served his term between the terms of two real "personalities", John Lindsay and Ed Koch. Lindsay died two months ago and, if we were Koch, we'd be worried.






The sun won't come out to MorrowANNE MORROW-LINDBERGH (2/7/01) - Aviator, writer. That chickee, Ms. Lindbergh, was co-pilot to main squeeze, Charles, on many a trip. Annie also wrote a bunch of books, some about Chuckles, some with poems, and some fiction. Of course, this wild broad was best known for events surrounding the kidnapping of her kid, Charles, Jr. Little Charles was later found murdered and the Lindbergh’s were thought, by some, to be the guilty party. We ain't sure what really happened to Chuckie Jr. but as for Anne, we're pretty certain we know what happened to that Lindbergh, baby.






Pale EvansDALE EVANS (2/7/01) - Actress, singer. Ms. Evans, along with her husband Roy Rogers, were the stars of numerous Saturday matinee cowboy pictures. This singing duo performed their special style of country western singing on the silver screen, television, and many albums. Dales last work in showbiz occurred in 1996 with the TV series, A Date With Dale. A rather frightening prospect at this point in the game if you ask us.






Al McDierAL MCGUIRE (1/26/01) - Basketball coach and broadcaster. Mr. McGuire had a brief stint in the NBA before deciding to coach. Al's coaching career produced an amazing 405 wins and only 143 losses. More amazing were the stats while he coached at Marquette. Check it out, 295 wins and only 80 losses. Al was also known for his broadcasting career where he coined many "McGuireisms." Finally, Al was considered an astounding recruiter. He once said “My rule was I wouldn't recruit a kid if he had grass in front of his house….” And in light of the reputations of some NCAA players, we’d worry about kids with grass in the house too.






Outside Providence...for goodROSEMARY GLANCY (1/12/01) - Crook. Ms. Glancy, as a public official in Rhode Island, attempted to trade tax breaks for payola. She got caught. She went to jail. Then, the sneak broad goes and gets a terminal illness. She petitions the courts for an early release so she can die at home in Texas. Finally, in an uncharacteristically honest move, she croaks.






Les Brown and his Band UndergroundLES BROWN (1/4/01) - Band leader. Mr. Brown was a big band hit in the 1930s and 1940s. Les Brown and his Band of Renown even had a No. 1 Hit with Sentimental Journey. The Guinness Book of Records recognized Mr. Brown as the leader of the longest lasting musical organization in pop music history. Yup, Les Brown. Well, actually Les is kinda a bluish purple now.







Departy GlickmanMARTY GLICKMAN (1/3/01) - Broadcaster and athlete. Mr. Glickman was a track star in the 1930s. He even qualified for the 1936 Olympics. The problem was that those Olympics were in Germany and the US team officials figured that if Marty won (which he very likely would have), Hitler would get kinda ornery. So the team pulled Mr. Glickman and one other Jewish track star from the team. Little did they know that Hitler would get pretty ornery anyway. Interestingly, Glickman was replaced by famed runner Jesse Owens. Apparently Glickman and Owens remained good friends, which is fortunate really. See, we suspect Marty's going to be running into Jesse real soon.






Hey Lute, I'm mootBOBBI OLSON (1/1/01) - Wife of basketball coach. Bobbi was married to Arizona Wildcats' coach Lute Olson for 47 years. The Wildcats performance this year has not been at all what was expected, likely due to Lute's regular absence from the team and the team's distraction due to the Bobbi's illness (ovarian cancer). Although we at the O.B.E. don't think Ms. Olson is a celebrity in her own right, her obituary was posted in the AP and she was on a list. So kids, she gets posted. Rules are rules and Bobbi went bye-bye.






My favorite morticianRAY WALSTON (1/1/01) - Actor. Mr. Walston was a Tony Award and Emmy Award winning actor. Yet, with these professional accomplishments under his belt, he's still best known for his role as a martian on some goofy 1960's sitcom called My Favorite Martian. Interestingly, Ray played opposite Bill Bixby in that sitcom. Yet Bill was best known as some dude who turned into a big green Hulk. So to recap, Bill played big green man from Earth, Ray played little green man from Mars, and both are now blue men in the earth. That's Hollywood for ya.






John DeadmanJOHN STEADMAN (1/1/01) - Sports columnist. Mr. Steadman really knew how to cover the sport of football. Here's a guy who was a die-hard in Baltimore. Besides writing a book on football, From Colts to Ravens, this fella attended every NFL game played by Baltimore since 1950. Furthermore, John attended every single Superbowl. Well, except for this one. From Colts to Ravens to Worms.




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