THE UNBEARABLE LIGHTNESS OF NOT BEING



The Iceman GoethALAN CRANSTON (12/31/00) - Former Senator and Activist. Mr. Cranston was a US Senator form California. HE was widely popular up to the point when he got involved in that little savings and loan thing. Then, kaput went Cranston's political career. Alan continued to be very active and vocal in the anti -nuclear movement. Now however, movement is out of the question for Al.







The Iceman GoethJASON ROBARDS (12/26/00) - Actor. Mr. Robards was quite an actor. He won back to back Oscars and appeared in over 50 movies. However, Jason's true love was the theater and he performed on stage frequently, often in Eugene O'Neill plays including The Iceman Cometh. You may recall Robards from the 1983 "feel good" picture Max Dugan Returns. We'll tell ya something, if he returns again, run like hell.







Short people got no reason to....BILLY BARTY (12/23/00) - Actor. Mr. Barty is easily remembered; you see, Billy was only 3 foot 10 inches tall. However, this didn't prevent Mr. Barty from having a long and interesting career in acting. Billy played in his fair share of comedies but also took on a few dramatic roles. In addition to his acting work, Billy was very active in Little People of America, and organization he founded to help folks with dwarfism. Billy didn't like the way much of the world viewed dwarves. He once said, "The general public thinks all little people are in circuses or sideshows but we have doctors, nurses, just about every field covered." Uh Billy, how about morticians?







Victor morgueVICTOR BORGE (12/23/00) - Musician, comedian, composer. Mr. Borge was an accomplished classical pianist who made a living poking fun at the serious nature of classical music. Victor would fall off his stool, play piano on his head, and do other such silly things to get chuckles. In addition, Borge did that swell punctuation bit on Sesame Street and appeared in films including Higher and Higher with Frank Sinatra. Victor apparently enjoyed working with Frank so much he opted to pay him a visit. Did we mention that Victor was also a composer?......A decomposer.




Make that 9,999 ManiacsROB BUCK (12/19/00) - Musician. Mr. Buck played guitar and wrote songs for the pop act 10,000 Maniacs. Among the band's hits that Rob penned are Hey Jack Kerouac and What's The Matter Here? Uh Rob, we think its your liver.









The city never sleeps.  As for me, well....JOHN LINDSAY (12/19/00) - Former Mayor of New York City. Mr. Lindsay served as mayor from 1965 to 1973. John steered the Big Apple through a time in U.S. histroy during which there was a whole lot of trouble in urban centers. You gotta give the guy credit for that. Lindsay hailed from the "Silk Stocking" distrcit of New York City. Currently, he is a resident of the satin lining district of a pine box.







This Staple has been removedROEBUCK "POPS" STAPLES (12/19/00) - Gospel Singer. Mr. Staples led the Staple Singers. This Gospel/Rhythm and Blues group had several hits in the early seventies including Respect Yourself and I'll Take You There. Hey, thanks Pops, but we'd prefer getting there a little bit later in life, dig?








Randolph's hearseRANDOLPH APPERSON HEARST (12/18/00) - Rich dude. Mr. Hearst was the son of a major newspaper mogul. He was also the father of the abducted Patty Hearst. You'll recall the SLA kidnapped Patty and the allegedly brainwashed her to join them. Anyway, the fact of the matter is that Randolph would never have made this list but for his dad and his daughter. What we're wondering is how Santa is gonna drive the sled without that red nosed fella up front.







King (of kings) takes bishopBISHOP JAMES MCHUGH (12/10/00) - Bishop. Bishop McHugh was the outspoken Bishop of Rockville Center, New York. Among the many things he opined on were death and dying making way to easy to poke fun at the guy on this page. Instead, we'll just say, nice beanie dead guy.







Goner KlempererWERNER KLEMPERER (12/6/00) - Actor. Mr. Klemperer was both a Tony and an Emmy winner. He appeared in various films including Judgment At Nuremberg. In addition, Werner performed on stage and with numerous orchestras (as narrator). The fella also appeared in several operas. But clearly Werner's greatest acting accomplishment was his portrayal of that bungling Nazi, Colonel Wilhelm Klink in Hogan's Heros. Being a Jewish refugee from Nazi Germany, Klemperer made the following requirement "If ever a segment was written where Colonel Klink is the winner, I would leave the show." Kinda odd in that Klink is now in fact the loser and Werner has clearly left the show.







L. Sprague is dampL. SPRAGUE DECAMP (11/6/00) - Author. Mr. deCamp is considered to be among the pioneers of American science fiction and fantasy writing. His works have influenced the likes of P.K. Dick, Asimov, and Heinlein. deCamp is probably best known for his book Conan the Barbarian. The Conan character has been written about by others, made into comic books, and even been in the movies. As for deCamp, he's been in a few things too. Most recently, a coffin.







You make me happy as I turn grayJIMMIE DAVIS (11/5/00) - Governor and singer/songwriter. Mr. Davis was twice the Governor of Louisiana. In addition, Jimmie wrote over 400 songs and cut over 50 albums. Yup, a singing Governor. You may know some Davis classics including You Are My Sunshine and Suppertime. Well, it is for the worms at least.







The Goodnight ShowSTEVE ALLEN (10/30/00) - Actor/comedian. Mr. Allen was the original Tonight Show host. In addition, Steve appeared in movies, on television, and in plays. He wrote some 40 plus books and thousands of songs. The guy even sang and played piano. As if that wasn't enough, Steve Allen was politically active often speaking out on captial punishment, nuclear proliferation, and freedom of expression. More recently, Allen was vocal against the rise of so-called "trash TV" and the increase of sex and violence on TV. Oh yeah, he also wore a really bad hair piece. Li-lo Steverino.







Julie UndoneJULIE LONDON (10/18/00) - Actress and singer. Ms. London appeared in several films as well as the TV show Emergency. Besides that, she was married to Jack Webb, the Dragnet guy, and Bobby Troup, the "Get you're kicks on Route sixty-six dude." In addition, she had numerous billboard hits during a successful 1950's singing career. Among her hits was, "My heart belongs to Daddy." What we're wondering is who's getting the rest of her.







Now that's what I call a great white wayGWEN VERDON (10/18/00) - Actress and dancer. Ms. Verdon is among the best dancers ever to grace Broadway. In addition, Gwen has acted in several movies. Ms. Verdon was married to director and choreographer Bob Fosse for 15 years and did some of her best work with Mr. Fosse. But, even early in her career, Gwen was great. Shoot, she won four Tony's for her work in the 1953 production of Can-Can. In light of recent events, we're thinking more along the lines of Can't-Can't now.







Mel ain't wellMEL CARNAHAN (10/16/00) - Governor. Mr. Carnahan was the Governor of Missouri. While on a personal plane piloted by his son, an apparent aircraft failure claimed Mel's life and the lives of his son and his chief aide. The moral of this stroy is that, if you're gonna spend time in the Show Me State, have 'em show you how to use a parachute.







Richard FreshearthRICHARD FARNSWORTH (10/6/00) - Actor. Mr. Farnsworth had a long career in motion pictures. He had two nominations for Academy Awards, his most recent for 1999's The Straight Story. This nomination earned Richard the place as the oldest actor to be awarded a nomination. The true straight story is that Richard had cancer and rather than edure the pain, he put a bullet in his head. Which, by the way, reminds us of a particularly bad joke which inquires what the last thing that went through Farnworth's mind before his death was........but we'll spare you that one (it was the shot folks, the shot).







AdieuPIERRE TRUDEAU (9/28/00) - Former Canadian Prime Minister. Mr. Trudeau was not only the Prime Minister but a bit of a ladies man we're told. He had his moments with both Babs Streisand and Margot Kidder. But, through it all Pierre loved Canada. However, he did have some problems with the states, particularly the prostate.







Richard MulligoneRICHARD MULLIGAN (9/28/00) - Actor. Mr. Mulligan made a name for himself on the silver screen in such features as Little Big Man and Irish Whiskey Rebellion. But Richard is most known and loved for his roles as Dr. Harry Weston on TV's Empty Nest and as Soap's Burt Campell. Mr. Mulligan also did countless character roles for TV including several for Golden Girls, The Partridge Family, and Highway to Heaven. Sometimes they make our job so easy......




Guess where Rowan's goin'CARL ROWAN (9/23/00) - Journalist. Mr. Rowan spent several decades as a well known journalist. Carl's work was nationally syndicated and he has authored several books. Carl championed numerous social issues and help form Project Excellence, an organization designed to help and encourage black youth to finish school and go on to college. His more recent efforts include actions taken to feed more worms and use less oxygen.







Practice makes deadBEAH RICHARD (9/15/00) - Actress. Ms. Richard was a star of the both the silver and blue screens. She appeared in numerous television shows and was recently awarded an Emmy for a guest appearance on The Practice. Earlier in her career, Beah received an Oscar nomination for her supporting actress work in the classic, Guess Who's Coming To Dinner. Hey, guess who's not coming to dinner..........







Dead DuckCARL BARKS (8/25/00) - Animator. Mr. Barks is credited with creating the persona of Donald Duck. Carl drew Donald Duck for Disney from 1935 up to 1942. Mr. Barks continued on with Disney working as a creatorfor Donald Duck related activities. In spite of what his name implies, Carl does not bark. In fact recently, we haven't heard a peep outta the fella.







Loretta old!LORETTA YOUNG (8/6/00) - Actress. Ms. Young's career dates back to the days of silent film. Loretta also had two television show The Loretta Young Show and The New Loretta Young Show. Loretta retired from acting in 1963 to devote her time to charity work. She did return briefly to acting in 1986 with Christmas Eve and again in 1989 with Lady in the Corner. More recently Loretta is appearing as lady with the coroner.







Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, DieSIR ALEC GUINNESS (8/6/00) - Actor. Mr. Guinness is among some of Britainís greatest actors. Alec portrayed Fagin in Oliver Twist, Col. Nicholson in Bridge Over the River Kwai, and of course Obi-Wan Kenobi in Star Wars. Letís not forget he also did Lawrence of Arabia, Dr. Zhivago, and A Passage to India. Mr. Guinness also did stage work and appeared in the PBS mini series Tinker, Taylor, Soldier, Spy and its sequel Smiley's People where he played the leading role of George Smiley. From now on it looks like all of Smiley's people will be horizontal and significantly lacking in energy.







Dead HooperFRED HOOPER (8/4/00) - Horse Owner/Breeder. The first horse Mr. Hooper owned, Hoop Jr., won the Kentucky Derby in 1945. Fred Hooper went on to become one of the best known names in the horse racing. Mr. Hooper, as president of the American Thoroughbred Owners Association, merged the group with the American Thoroughbred Breeders Association to form the Thoroughbred Owners and Breeders Association. At 102 years old, we're pretty confident Fred's breeding days were over.







Gor - DieGORDON "GORDIE" SOLIE (7/27/00) - Wrestling announcer. Mr. Solie was what they call a "color man." Easy there Jesse Jackson, a "color man" is a sports announcer who brings you into the action with his/her colorful use of language. Gordie announced wrestling matches, a pretty colorful sport to begin with. Apparently, his favorite wrestler was The Undertaker.







Ow!  Ooops, I meant 'How.'BERNIE WHITEBEAR(7/17/00) - Indian Chief. Not a doctor or a lawyer, we swear. Chief Whitebear took over Fort Lawton, Seattle back in 1970. The Chief wanted the land for the Indians. In addition, Bernie headed the United Indians of All Tribes Foundation. In a nutshell, Bernie's colon no smoke peace pipe.







The taking of Matthau 1, 2, 3WALTER MATTHAU(7/1/00) - Actor. Mr. Matthau was a swell kind of actor. Great voice, great look, and fun movie roles. Although appearing in a great deal before The Odd Couple, Walter really hit it big with that picture. In recent years he had taken on the role of crumudgen type characters in the Grumpy Old Men movies and Dennis the Menace. Of course, Walter was no stranger to a more sensitive role either. Just take a look at the warm hearted comedy I'm Not Rappaport. By the way Walter, you're not breathing either.







Mrs. Pynchon has been pinched offNANCY MARCHAND(6/18/00) - Actress. Ms. Marchand is best known for her roles as Lou Grant's boss on the series Lou Grant and Livia Soprano on the HBO series The Sopranos. As a matter of fact, Nancy won four consecutive Emmys for her portrayal of Margaret Pynchon on Lou Grant. Ya know how many Emmys that chick who played Georgette Baxter got when she worked with that load Lou Grant? Not a single stinking one. But then again, she didn't get the lung cancer either.







My system crashedJIM HURD(6/14/00) - CEO of Tech. Company. Mr. Hurd was the CEO of the firm Planar Systems. This is the company that basicly created the flat screen monitor. Wowzer, right? Cool stuff! In general, we wouldn't consider Jim a celebrity. However, Mike R. has Jim on his list so here he is. Astral Planar Systems has a nice ring too.







Now I get to see the Golan Depths tooHAFEZ ASSAD(6/10/00) - President of Syria. Mr. Assad was one of the many players that make the Middle East such a fun lovin' place. He was on-again/off-again regarding middle east peace, often wishing and fighting for a united Arab front and a failing and humiliated Israel. They called Assad "The Lion of Damascus." Interestingly, he'll soon be lying in Damascus.







Tito, Finito TITO PUENTE (6/1/00) - Jazz Musician. Mr. Puente pretty much defined Latin Jazz from the 1950s through his death. With crap like Ricky Martin and Marc Anthony floating around as the musical billboards for the Latin community, its a wonder a guy like Tito still drew crowds. But, he did. Anyway, at this years Latin Jazz Festival, Tito absente.







Uh, right to life...HmmmmmBOB CASEY (5/30/00) - Politician. Mr. Casey was one of those Democrats who just couldn't come into the party line with the whole abortion issue. He thought it might prevent him from ever getting the Governorship but in 1986 those rascals from PA voted him in. Bob served two terms as Governor and then wrote a book titled Fighting for Life. We can't wait for the next one folks, Losing the Fight.







3..2..1..Dead MAURICE "THE ROCKET" RICHARD (5/27/00) - Hockey player. Mr. Richard played hockey for the Montreal Canadiens. Maurice saw five Stanley cups in his day. He was also the first fella to score 500 goals and the first to score 50 goals in a season. Maurice was listed as Number 62 in the AP's lsit of greatest athletes of the 20th Century. Unfortunately, the Rocket ran out of fuel.







It ain't pretty, but it's true SIR JOHN GIELGUD (5/21/00) - Actor and director. Mr. Gielgud was a well known and greatly respected actor. He appeared on stage and screen and his work ranged from Shakespeare to Bob Guccione's Caligula. John made a real splash in the main stream cinema, winning an Oscar, when he appeared opposite Dudley Moore (who by the way ain't looking too hot) in the movie Arthur. Unlike Arthur, who does what he pleases, John won't being do much of anything henceforth.







Bab's on the slabBARBARA CARTLAND (5/21/00) - Author. Dame Barbara Cartland is world renowed for her romance novels. Although never a critically acclaimed wirter, Barbara wrote 723 books and sold them all like the proverbial hot cakes. Ms. Cartland holds the world record as the world's top selling author. At 98 years of age, Barabra continued to write up to her death. Barbara was British and spent her later years on a 400 plus acre estate in the UK. We presume her ability to maintain the renowned English "stiff upper lip" has recently been facilitated.







Unlucky PierreJEAN-PIERRE RAMPAL (5/20/00) -Flutist. Jean-Pierre was a world renowed musician. He is credited for single handedly reviving the classic flute soloist's position in the 20th Century. Mr. Rampel's recordings of Baroque style masterpieces not only earned him his reputation as a master but sold wonderfully throughout the world. However, Jean-Pierre also played jazz and ethnic folk pieces. His work is beautiful. Sadly, his heart Baroque.







Farewell FairbanksDOUGLAS FAIRBANKS JR. (5/7/00) - Actor, author, producer, businessman. Doug was in tons of movies and wrote a coupla things including an autobiography called Salad Days. Did we mention he was a military hero. Oh yeah, he also hung around with British royalty and was given an honorary knighthood. In addition, he was married to Joan Crawford. Shoot, almost forgot. Mr. Fairbanks was the son of silent screen swashbuckler, Douglas Fairbanks. Although, Doug once said "I never tried to emulate my father". Well try or not Doug, you've done so now.







Cardinal A GonerJOHN CARDINAL O'CONNOR (5/3/00) - Archbishop on New York. Following a long military career as a chaplin, O'Connor was assigned to duties under Cardinal Terence Cooke of New York. For a short while he served as bishop of Scranton, PA and then became a Cardinal and the Archbishop of New York. O'Connor had a brain tumor removed late last year. In short it goes like this: Bishop gets Queens, cancer takes Bishop, checkmate.







The Great White LightDAVID MERRICK (4/25/00) - Broadway Producer. Mr. Merrick produced Broadway shows during Broadway's Golden Age following WWII. David produced some of the best known shows to come off the Great White Way. His projects included Oliver, Gypsy, Hello Dolly, and 42nd Street. Apparently, David was not only known for producing greats but keeping them running. Merrick would pull all kinds of stunts and draw all kinds of big names to keep a show going. They say that David was a master at keeping a show alive. Too bad he couldn't apply that mastery a little closer to home.







Deadward GoreyEDWARD GOREY (4/15/00) - Author and Illustrator. Mr. Gorey drew Edwardian characters in dreary, bleak, and otherwise unpleasent settings. He accompanied these illustrations with macabre little rhymes and stories. Ed published over 90 books of this type of stuff. Ed's illustrations can be seen during the opening titles on the television series "Mystery." In addition, Ed won a Tony award for his costume design work on the 1978 production of "Dracula." Guess Ed liked the Dracula character so much he figured he'd give that whole hanging out in a coffin thing a go.







Suicide may be painless but this cancer thing hurts like hellLARRY LINVILLE (4/11/00) - Actor. Mr. Linville played that ornery Major Frank Burns on the television series M*A*S*H. You remember Major Burns, he was the fella who was having a fling with "Hot Lips." Larry left M*A*S*H after five season to pursue other acting opportunities. Larry appeared in several other television shows and had roles in Grandpa Goes to Washington, Paper Dolls, and Checking In. Interestingly, Larry is now checking out.







Claire's looking quite blue kidsCLAIRE TREVOR (4/8/00) - Actress. Ms. Trevor appeared in over 60 films. Her most notable are likley Stagecoach and Key Largo. In fact, her performance in Key Largo earned her an Oscar. Claire's last picture was Kiss Me Goodbye. Uh, no offense Claire, but we'd rather not. You're so cold and clamy.








This just in, I'm dead.SYLVAN RODRIGUEZ (4/7/00) - News Anchor. Mr. Rodriguez made national news when he announced one night on the news that he had pancreatic cancer. Then, to make the nightly news even more heartwarming, Sylvan decided to update the viewers on his condition every coupla days. We guess the network just didn't like the whole idea because the updates have stopped. Oddly, we haven't seen Sylvan around the studio for a while either.







Wow, it's like I'm dead or something. Oh, shit!TERENCE MCKENNA (4/3/00) - Author. Mr. McKenna is called an author because he wrote some books. Thing is, most of these books were about psychedelic mushrooms and their alleged relation to spiritualism. This is a dude who got himself a self tailored degree in Shamanology at Berkeley. Yup, you read right, Shamanology. There was a time they'd call a guy like this a crackpot. Really, there was. Now, he's a damn celebrity. Go figure. Whatever the case, their was a certain magic those mushrooms just couldn't pull off.







Ian....BuryIAN DURY (3/27/00) - Musician. Mr. Dury started his music career playing in a pub-band called "Kilbourn and the High Roads." In the late seventies, Ian and his mates signed on with, then new, Stiff Records, as Ian Dury and The Blockheads. Ian Dury and the Blockheads went on to cut several albums. You may recall the their classic "Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick." Anyway, the only block near Ian's head now is made of granite.







I'm impotent....REALLY impotentALEX COMFORT (3/26/00) - Author. Mr. Comfort was not only a biologist and psychiatrist, he also wrote a bunch of sex books. Yup, Alex wrote the The Joy of Sex, The New Joy of Sex, and More Joy of Sex. This is a dude who was into sex! Wait'll ya get a load of his new one, The Joy of Necrophilia.







Heart don't tick trickBOBB MCKITTRICK (3/15/00) - Coach. Mr. McKittrick was the offensive line coach for the San Francisco 49ers. His hard as nails style often conjured of images of the younger Bobb, a Marine Corp officer. Bobb not only had two "B"s in his name but some nasty tumors on his bile ducts.








A big Mack attackMACK ROBINSON (3/12/00) - Athlete. Mr. Robinson not only took the silver medal behind Jesse Owens in 1936, he was also the brother of baseball great Jackie Robinson. Let's be honest kids, but for the facts that he was Jackie's brother and on the list of David G., he would never have made this page. "What's that you say Mr. Robinson..... Mr. Robinson?...........MR. ROBINSON!"









Gone ColicosJOHN COLICOS (3/11/00) - Actor. Mr. Colicos played the villan, Count Baltar, on the television Sci-Fi series Battlestar Galactica. In addition, John did stage work and some big screen work. Interestingly, there is a rather large movement to dig up the old Battlestar Galactica idea and create a new show. Based on the current status of Lorne Greene and John Colicos, a significant amount of digging may be necessary.







Elementary Watson, he's deadCHARLES GRAY (3/7/00) - Actor. Mr. Gray not only played the notorious James Bond nemesis, Blofeld, in Diamonds are Forever, he was also the narrator for that dumb cult classic The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Man, give a bunch of drunk teens some toast to throw and they'll actually think you're cool. No wonder we're doomed as a nation. In addition, Charles was featured in several Sherlock Holmes pictures as Holmes' brother, Mycroft. Anyway, Charles is not only Gray, he's wrinkled and a bit on the decaying side too.







It's a funeral Charlie BrownCHARLES SCHULZ (2/12/00) - Cartoonist. Mr. Schulz drew the best known comic strip in the world, Peanuts. The Peanuts crew are as much a part of American culture as apple pie and baseball. How can anyone forget Charlie Brown, Peppermint Patty, Lucy, Linus, Sally, Franklin, Schroeder, and our favorite, Pig Pen. Yup, Pig Pen. Ya know, the fella all covered with dirt.....kinda like Charles is now.







Awfully quiet nowSCREAMIN' JAY HAWKINS (2/12/00) - Singer and pianist. Mr. Hawkins was a blues pioneer. His shrieks are famous in the music community and earned him the name "Screamin'." In the 1950's Hawkins played a wild piano and sang the blues. His best known tune is likely I Put a Spell on You. Apparently Jay, someone put a spell on you too. Wasn't a real nice one either.







I'm in the end zone this timeTOM LANDRY (2/12/00) - Football coach. Mr. Landry brought Dallas to 5 Superbowls. Yup, he was quite a coach. On the sidelines in his trademark felt hat and dark suit, Tom would watch, strategize, and pace. Landry was an expressionless type coach, who seldom showed emotion on the field. Now he's a expressionless type coach who won't be showing any motion on the field or any where else.







Ernest goes to......JIM VARNEY (2/10/00) - Actor. Mr. Varney has done tons of voice over work for commercials, cartoons and the like. Most recently, Jim did the voice of Slinky Dog in the Toy Story movies. Of course Jim is best know as that annoying goof ass Ernest. Ya know Ernest goes to Camp, Ernest Goes to School, and Ernest Goes to Jail. We're not sure where Ernest went this time, but we betcha he ain't coming back.







58 got 86edDERRIK THOMAS (2/8/00) - Football Player. Mr. Thomas was a linebacker for the Kansas City chiefs before an auto accident on January 23, 2000. All indications were that Derrick was coming along well, although paralyzed from the from the chest down. However, an unexpected heart attack claimed the 33 years olds life. Not for nothing, but you may want to question some of his co-workers in this matter.







It seems I've disappeared this timeDOUG HENNING (2/7/00) - Illusionist. Mr. Henning breathed new life into the world of show magic back in the 1970s. Doug had numerous successful television specials and a four year run on Broadway. In 1975 Doug got involved in the study of transcendental meditation with Maharishi Mahesh Yogi. In the early 1990's Henning ran for political positions, representing the Natural Law Party, in both England and Canada. As the years went on, Henning's public life as a magician dwindled. Doug died from liver cancer, something we can assure you was not an illusion.







There's alot of candy in that rapperBIG PUN (2/7/00) - Rapper. Charles Rios, aka Big Pun, made it big in the world of rap music. Matter fact, Charles made it big in the world period! The guy was 698 pounds. To really make things wacky, Big Pun collaborated with fellow rapper, Fat Joe, on several projects. Here's a rap for ya, "Big Pun, Big Pun the fella weighed a ton. He ate really big burgers on really big buns. Laid the rhymes down with Fat Joe. We think the diner's where they'd go. Make no mistake what Pun meant when he said 'I ate that 'ho'."







Actually, we're not doing so fine OklahomaCARL ALBERT (2/4/00) - Politician. Mr. Albert was the a U.S. congressman from Oklahoma and the Democratic majority leader starting in 1962. Carl became Speaker of the House in 1971, a position that placed him first in line for President (once when Agnew resigned and once when Nixon resigned). Carl was known as a moderate type fella born of dirt poor roots. In fact, Carl said that when he headed out to college his dad gave him $20 and "that was the last penny I ever had from my family." Uh, check your eyes Carl, check your eyes.







'Tonight's the Night' and I'm gonna miss it!DORIS KENNER-JACKSON (2/4/00) - Singer. Ms. Jackson was one of the founding members of the Shirelles. The Shirelles are really the first all girl group to make it big in rock-n-roll. Among their hits were "Solidier Boy," "Dedicated to the One I Love," and "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?" Well Doris, we will still love you tomorrow but kissing you is entirely out of the question now.







Can't budgeDON BUDGE (1/26/00) - Tennis Player. Mr. Budge won four major tennis tournaments in 1938. It was that feat that coined the term "Grand Slam" in tennis. Don was inducted into the International Tennis Hall of Fame in the mid 1960s and was selected as one of the 20 greatest players of the 20th century by Tennis Magazine. During the Centre Court ceremonies at Wimbledon 1998, Don was introduced as "the tall redheaded Californian with the greatest backhand ever." For Wimbledon 2000 they're planning to announce him as "the tall redheaded Californian with a rather unpleasant aroma."







Benitto HeartattacksiBENITTO CRAXI (1/19/00) - Politician. Mr. Craxi was the premier of Italy through much of the 1980s. He's the guy who wouldn't hand over the Achille Lauro hijackers to the USA. He was also found guilty of major corruption in Italian politics. He left the country in an act of self exile. In November of 1999 a Milan court ruled that Bettino could return to Italy for bypass surgery on the condition he served his sentence under house arrest. Craxi refused. Craxi died of heart attack. Betcha that house arrest ain't looking so bad now Bettino, eh?







Deady LamarrHEDY LAMARR (1/19/00) - Actress. Ms. Lamarr was best know for her exotic beauty. She appeared in over 30 films. In 1958 she left the industry because she was unhappy with the roles she was getting. In addition, Hedy developed and patented a technological idea used in many of today's cordless phones and military radios. In 1966, and again in 1991, Hedy was accused and acquitted of shoplifting. After the 1991 incident Hedy was quoted as saying "I'm sick and tired of being in the limelight." Well Hedy, you're out now baby!







Lemon dropsBOB LEMON (1/11/00) - Baseball Player. Mr. Lemon was not only a seven time 20 game winner, but he also managed the New York Yankees during their 1978 World Series run. Interestingly, Bob remained on the Yankees payroll until the day he died. He was listed as both an advisor and a scout. Currently, Bob is scouting out a fine prospect named DiMaggio.








Don Martin, departin'DON MARTIN (1/7/00) - Cartoonist. Mr. Martin drew for MAD Magazine, creating wacky pictures of far out characters getting crushed, beat on, and otherwise maimed. In 1987 Don had a falling out with Mad and left to work for competitor, Cracked Magazine. In 2000 Don had a falling out with cancer and just plain left.







There is nothing to Fears.....TOM FEARS (1/4/00) - Football player. Mr. Fears is a Hall of Famer who played football with the Los Angeles Rams and the Green Bay Packers. During his stint with the Rams, Tom made an amazing 18 receptions in one game. Tom went on to coach the, then expansion, Saints. His record of 18 receptions in one game still stands today. However, Tom does not.







My watch has stoppedELMO R. ZUMWALT JR. (1/2/00) - Retired Navy Admiral. Admiral Zumwalt is known for reforming the modern Navy. When he took over in 1970, Elmo issued "Z-Grams" which permitted beards and long hair if maintained neatly, the wearing of civilian clothes at shore installations and more free time in port (hubba hubba). In 1976 Elmo wrote the book My Watch and in 1986 wrote My Father, My Son, both of which outlined his command in Vietnam. The latter described his command over his son in Vietnam. Zumwalt's son later died of cancer related to Agent Orange exposure experienced while under his father's command. Zumwalt is rumored to have muttered these words before departing this world, "I joined the Navy to see the world and what did I see, I saw the Ughhh."




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